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Sticky Situation: Can We Ask Guests to Help Pay For Our Wedding?
Sticky situation:
My partner and I are planning to get married next year. However, we have a problem. My future husband is adamant; he wants to ask guests to pay a dollar amount for their presence on our wedding day.
For my part, I have some discomfort. We discussed it with our families and they all seem to agree with my fiancé. Your help would be greatly appreciated so I can make an informed decision.
Solution(s):
Your discomfort is justified and also honourable.
According to etiquette guidelines, when you choose to invite people to a party it is never appropriate to solicit cash contributions.
It’s really tacky to ask guests to pay. Inviting = paying.
In addition, when one asks for money as a gift, it presumes that people will not inquire to the bride and groom about what would make them happy. In fact, it assumes that your guests don’t have any basic manners and are not aware of the unspoken rule: “Every wedding invitation carries an obligation of gift giving, whether or not one chooses to attend.”
If you want to organize a celebration where everyone pays for their part, the invitation should not use the words “We invite you…”. It will instead use the words “We would like you to join us…”
To avoid a faux-pas if your budget is quite limited and strict, it is better to invite fewer guests or have a smaller celebration in a less expensive location.
It is important to note that any invitation should not contain any mention of a gift. Asking guests not to bring gifts, once again, makes the presumption of receiving a gift. Even the clever phrase “Your presence is the only present we want ” could be perceived as presumptuous and rude.
The perfect way to share gift information is by good old-fashioned word of mouth, by your relatives.
You and your spouse will give the details of your wish, like a European wine tour or a wedding registry at a large department store.
If a guest wishes to contribute money to make your dream come true, your trusted informants can then tell them how. Generally, guests can send a check by mail before the wedding day, to the future bride or groom that they are closest to.
Note: As a bridal shower is a gift-giving party it is appropriate to mention the gift theme on a shower invitation (lingerie, wine cellar). The accompanying gift registry information should be on a separate paper.
Expecting to receive a gift, especially a specific cash donation, when “inviting” guests to celebrate, is simply rude.
I hope this clarifies the rule of invitation so you may continue your discussion with your future spouse to invite your guests, without making a faux-pas.
Have a sticky situation at work or home? This is your forum. Write to Julie and she will reply promptly. Want more solutions to sticky situations? Check out Facebook, Twitter or order your autographed copy of Etiquette: Confidence Credibility. Planning a conference? Julie happily travels coast to coast and beyond, to present customized activities.
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NEXT: The Biggest Wedding Planning Mistakes
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Picking A Not-So-Perfect Dress
Pick a dress that fits your wedding theme and venue. For example, a full ball gown is not appropriate for a beach wedding.
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Waiting For ‘The One’ Dress
Keep dress shopping simple by inviting a small group of people, rather than multiple loved ones. Too many opinions can cause confusion. Also, be realistic while picking out the dress. Kent warns against “waiting for ‘that moment’ to dictate once you’ve found your dress.” Not all brides get emotional like the shows.
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Buying A Dress Without Researching
Keep your options and your imagination open; dresses can be altered for personalization. Look around in vintage stores and one-off bridal boutiques for unique options.
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Trying To Do It All Yourself
Kent says hiring a planner with knowledge of how to save money and industry discounts can do wonders for keeping your budget in check.
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Taking The Budget Lightly
Watch out for the budget creep. Sticking to the budget is hard. Sometimes adding even a few more guests can creep into your chequebook a big way. For example, adding even 10 more guests means one more table at the venue, one more centerpiece and 10 more meals.
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Too Many Expectations On Limited Resources
Don’t let Pinterest, wedding blogs and reality shows pressure you to make every little detail of your wedding personalized. It can be tiresome and hard on the budget. “A few meaningful personal touches stand out stronger than an overdone wedding,” says Kent.
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Impractical Destination Weddings
With lower currencies in most destination wedding locations, they are often perceived as the easy way out. This isn’t the case, says Kent. Decisions about venues and catering often have to be made blindly and don’t provide your money’s worth. It also puts pressure on loved ones who cannot afford to pay travel expenses.
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Choosing A Venue That Doesn’t Fit Your Needs
The venue may be beautiful and budget-friendly, but will it be convenient? Will the dance floor have to be created by removing tables? Is there a place for elderly family members to sit? Lynzie Kent, a Toronto-based wedding planner, warns that when these questions aren’t addressed, couples are often stuck, “trying to manipulate a space that was not the best design for their vision”.
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Overlooking The Table Shape And Layout
Kent recommends square tables over the typical round tables that only allow conversation between two people. Square tables still offer a traditional setting, but also ease of conversation among all the table-mates.
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Forgetful Vendors
Remind your vendor of your wedding and your specific requirements a week before your wedding. It may be the most important day of the bride and groom’s life, vendors do this all the time, warns Kent.
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Not Having Enough Seating
Another major layout flaw is not having enough seating, even if it is a cocktail style event, says Kent. Always keep older guests and women in heels in mind.
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Not Following Up With Vendors
Remember the contract you signed with each vendor and hold them accountable. Many vendors require full payment on or before the day of the wedding, but their services to you don’t necessarily end on the day of your wedding. If they’re not held accountable, and they’ve gotten their money’s worth, vendors like photographers can take months to hand over their products.
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Not Letting The Pros Do Their Jobs
At the end of the day, you chose the vendors you did for a reason. They are professionals – trust them. They know what’s in style and what will look good.
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Ignoring The Needs Of Guests
Your wedding day is about you, but your guests have expectations too. Pamper your guests through small gestures. Kent recommends things like pre-arranged cab pick-ups, bathroom caddies, children’s fun kits at tables. Also, make sure to spend a few minutes of quality time at each table.
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Not Leaving Room For Additional Costs
Always factor in gratuity and taxes on your budget. Kent recommends working with a budget lower than your actual budget, the extra charges will add up to your real budget.
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Not Enough Encouragement To Get The Party Started
If you’re the type of couple that wants a big party atmosphere at the reception, Kent says it’s important to layout the venue to encourage this. The dance floor and the bar should be close so guests don’t just congregate near the bar. A good band or DJ are also key.
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