‘So You Think You Can Dance’ recap by Donna Kauffman

It’s our last week of auditions. HALLE-freakin’-LUJAH!

::Cough:: Ahem.

It’s not like it hasn’t been an enjoyable endless medley of a lot of great dancers we basically got to know not at all, along with so many, many more we weren’t even privileged enough to lay eyes on. They showed us enough that we know and believe that whichever of these faceless, nameless kids that we know not yet at all makes the vaunted Top 20, it’s going to be a spectacularly talented season.

But ENOUGH ALREADY.

Except, yeah … not quite yet. They have, however, promised us that this is our last audition round. Next week we get to see all the hopefuls who were granted the golden plane ticket to L.A. (Well, it’s actually Pasadena, but shhh, don’t tell them that.) So we’re guaranteed a week of big ugly cries and heart-wrenching disappointment, along with sometimes well-deserved gutted rejections. Also? Humiliation, triumph, streaked mascara, and rippling, naked muscle in equal measure.

So, I’m in.

But first … Atlanta.

Our first guest judge is Lil Buck … a Tennessee-born dancer who originated the street style known as jukin’. I think. Hard to tell. He’s a cutie, so why not.

We start off with our rule review … yadda yadda you stink you go home, yadda yadda you do marginally well but not awesome you go to choreography, yadda yadda you’re a freak of dance nature, you go straight to the next round. We get to see yet another medley of those fortunate few, straight off. Not with any actual dancing involved, of course, just a lot of screaming and waving of tickets.

Sigh.

We finally get underway with cute Jazz Dancer Girl, and she’s very sparkly and uber talented, but she was almost too over-the-top with the bubbly facial elements. I know it’s jazz, but dial down the jazz hands face a wee bit. Her madd skillz of the dance more than put her over the top, though, so just throw tickets at her so we can get on with more dancers, yo.

And they do, and we do … and it’s on to I’m Not Okay Hip Hop Dude. (It says that on his shirt, I didn’t tag him. He tagged himself.) He’s opted to add in some of the essence of the insane asylum his grandmother was in and out of during his childhood, so yeah. That’s new. He appears to be a pretty talented dude from the micro-clips of him flipping about we’re seeing as he’s telling us all this, and … I’ll let you decide on the whole One Flew Over the Hip Hop Cuckoos Nest element. Not sure what’s going on with his hair, it’s … just something isn’t right there. But he’s a very outgoing and engaging kid, and I find myself rooting for him. His performance is way out there and hysterically funny all at the same time. I feel bad when Nigel cuts his music off to interrogate him on why he was doing things the way he was doing them, but even that turns out to be charming and adorable and … you had to be there. As I watch him go, I am getting the whole asylum connection, I will say. But in a really, um … fun way? Yeah, that sounds so wrong, and yet … if you’ve met him, you’ll understand the shirt and you’ll be OK with it, and him, all at the same time. I want to see more. And? We will. Tickets for him!

We come back from commercial to … oh my. And no, so not in a good way. It’s time for The Showbiz Family! Complete with Dad in capped teeth and a hairpiece even The Donald wouldn’t touch. We’re supposed to be all, “Aren’t they funny and hammy and adorable?” Complete with a remake of The Partridge Family theme song and, wow. Just. Make. It. Stop. I’m sorry, gang, we have a long way to go and I just — the fast-forward finger wins! (I urge you, stridently, to let it win for you, too.) I pause in time to watch Partridge Daughter prance and leap about with her Look at Meeeee! Broadway facial expressions, and she’s trained and skilled and spin, leap, twirl, and … yeah. I’m sorry, I still don’t care. I zip forward and tickets are mercifully tossed, aaaaand, we can move on. Next!?

We get another visit from Dragon House, who brought us Cyrus and last season’s Blu Print. This time we get the adorably geeky-looking improbably named Freak Show with the dimples and baritone voice to die for. Will his moves be likewise lethal? Given the skill set in that crew, my hopes, they are high. Turns out he’s the original dragon of Dragon House. He’s got a very smooth style with his syncopation and a sly, cute grin that’s very contagious. Not sure he’s doing anything super new, but he’s got the skills. For what he does. I think I’d have to see him in choreography before tossing him a plane ticket, but he’s a sly, smooth sweetie and I hope we see more of him. And we will because the reputation of the House along with his adorableness gets him straight onto a plane heading west.

And, wow. This is such a weird night. So, next up we get the guy who Nigel complained wasn’t manly enough in his dance last audition season, and … he wasn’t wrong. Our young lad has taken their critique to heart and has come back to show them his manly-man dance skills. Along with a full-body complement of tattoos that he says aren’t meaningful at all, but free from his buddy’s tattoo artist friend. To that I say, uh … if you’re going to permanently accessorize yourself like that, it should at least have meaning. If it’s to make us think you’re manly, well … overkill. And? Not necessarily a working solution. Off you go now, and …? He’s graceful but far less fluttery, he does prove the point he came back to make, and he does have well-trained skills. I don’t know if I connect to him, but I do think he absolutely earned that ticket … and? He does. Good for him!

Next up, Fik-shun Version 2.0. And a half. I can’t say he’s Fik-shun Jr. because Fik-shun himself is but a wee but mighty thing already. This guy has a darling of a face and a way-too-long street name, but my bet is if he’s been dancing with Fik-shun for years, he’s going to be a talent to be reckoned with. At least in his street style. (The two of them together would be adorable overload!) And? Well, I’d say that Fik-shun took it much further and cuter, but he’s pretty stinkin’ cute. Choreography for sure. Three yesses for that.

Next we get a dude we’ve seen promo’d before the last few commercials largely because he ends up in a shout ‘n’ pout with Nigel and stomps off. Now I don’t know who says what to whom or whether whatever criticism is doled out is on point or way off base. And, frankly, I don’t care. We hardly get to see any of the good dancers actually, you know, dancing. I don’t have time to waste on this hot mess. Your mileage may vary.

Day 1 has mercifully come to an end. Kathryn and Marko are our guest All-Star coaches for the choreography round. We do have a few familiar faces to watch out for this time. Fik-shun 2.0 doesn’t make it, but seven other dancers do. All in all, despite making it seem like it was a wildly successful day, only 12 dancers move through. (And that includes the seven who just made it through choreography.) Which begs the question … we’ve spent an hour on this one day and you had only 12 make it through and, um, we couldn’t at least get to see them all? Because Hot Mess Dude was more important? Really? That was the editing decision?

Yeah. I don’t get it either. (I do get, however, why folks skip watching these rounds entirely and simply wait for the actual competition to begin.)

But it’s finally Day 2 … and our last day of this medley of nothing actually happening much at all.

Our guest judge today is Mrs. Jenna Dewan-Tatum. Yes, she of the Mrs. Channing variety. You might recall she starred in that dancin’ movie Step Up, back in the day, with her soon-to-be after-all-that-dirty-dancin’-together husband, who also did his fair share of dancing in that flick. Before he, you know, flicked something else at us in Magic Mike. So, my question? How come we don’t get both the Mrs. and the Mr. on the judging of the dance panel? Just sayin’, Show. Instead, you got us Bieber. Epic fail in the choice department, there. (Which, clearly they agree since the they have dialed the Biebster pimpage level down to just a shade more than zero. Read: only what they were contractually obligated to use.)

Now, for this next dancer, I have to admit I cheated on you. Yes, I got to watch the sneak peek of this next guy and he’s yet another cutie patootie of the Orlando Bloom variety, who also happens to be a wicked good contemporary dancer. He and Nigel have a bit of play on defining exactly what “dabble” means, but we’re soon shown that he’s more than dabbled in dance, because he is like a feather of grace out there, where the laws of gravity simply don’t apply. Tickets are thrown, deservedly so, and yet another heapin’ helpin’ of adorable boards the plane west. I will be rooting for that one.

And then … sigh. Yet another clip medley, this time of all the male dancing goodness, so that’s particularly annoying since you know they’re going to stop and show us more when it’s the sex-kitten variety, but I move on. Eventually this week will end and we will get on to the competition. It will get here even faster if I fast-forward. Which, I do.

True to form, next up we get the gal who Nigel has already labeled this season’s Beast. She’s no Melanie, or Jasmine, not even in the same solar system, but she is a strong, aggressive, powerful dancer. I think it’s a bit too Maori foot-stomping mixed in with the check-out-my-skimpy-lingerie top kitten grin meets Give Me an A! cheerleading camp back handspring action, but I’m sure that’s just me thinking this is a bit all over the place and not particularly cleanly performed. She surely has the essential skill set to move on. And she does.

Yup. Cue the Sex Kitten of Dance montage. It shouldn’t be this predictable, editors. All of whom are guys, am I right?

We move swiftly on to our Grab Your Hankies segment. In this case our dancer is the daughter of a dancer, who sadly had a stroke in her 40s, when our dancer was in her teens. It left permanent physical and mental damage, so her life changed dynamically at that point. In the 10 years since, she has learned she has the same heart defect her mom had that led to the stroke, and though she doesn’t say so, my sense is it’s not reparable, or that surely would have been done. So she cherishes what she has and makes the most of it, and you have to root for that kind of spirit. She didn’t tell her mom she was auditioning, but we’re all hoping for our happy ending right now. Oh, pass the Kleenex already! And? Well, she’s beautiful. Simply, elegantly, stunningly beautiful. As I’m watching her, I think how interesting it is that you can watch a series of very credibly talented dancers and yet not necessarily connect to that talent. Then other times, you can’t look away. You’re mesmerized. She doesn’t have the cutie thing going, and she’s not playing up the tragic either. No sex kitten, no aggressive Hear-Me-Roar flinging about. She’s simply dancing, and she’s beautiful. My favorite of the night. That’s how you do it. No frills, no gimmicks, just come out and give us your joy. And she most certainly did that. So, naturally, this is the chick Mary and Jenna decide to critique. And while I don’t disagree that she’s got a whole lot more in the tank, I thought that was lyrically beautiful. Sheesh. She gets choreography? Really?

I’m feeling a little cranky right now. But I don’t want anyone fast-forwarding through me, so onward we go, smiles plastered!

We come back from commercial to learning about a new street style called ATL cranking, which … okay. The guy they choose to represent is a fine-looking, personable young man. And? He does the Crank Crowd proud. They say it takes a lot from the moves done on skates, but to me it looks like the love child of krumping and disco. Maybe roller disco? Whatevs. It’s entertaining to watch. and some very high-energy stuff. Once again, though, it’s a matter of can he do anything else, so choreography round judges? This time, we agree.

We keep seeing clips from performances from last season as we go in and out of commercial breaks and it makes me long even more to get to that stage. Where we’re really doing something that matters, with folks we’ve come to care about. Almost there, armchair dance judges, almost there!

Next up we have The Adorkables. We get a sweet little clip package of our dancer with her older brother, from whom she learned the dance. It starts off a little wah wah, but then they grow on you, and by the time she’s auditioning, you’re rooting for her and want her to make her older bro proud. Her performance is surprisingly mature with a great deal of emotional depth and control in her dance. It’s very compelling. The judges think so, too, and it’s tickets all around! The best part? Is the bear hug from big bro in the aisle. And the crowd cheers!

Now, it’s time for the weekly exercise in Why Did They Do That? And, With Him? Yes, it’s the Dance Crew Moment (and I do mean moment, as that’s about how long we get to see each of them). The Biebster intros our final two dance crews with whom we won’t get overly invested because we won’t see enough to know them or care much about them. But we’re expected to tweet for our “favorites.” That would imply that you’ve shown us something from which to draw that conclusion. Which, sadly, you have not. Our first crew is Jungle Boogie, the cranking crew from ATL. So, basically, it’s that guy from earlier? Times seven. I think. We get to see only anatomically excised shots of various body parts from odd camera angles and very little of the actual group doing their group thing. The other crew is Control Freakz. They are an experienced crew with a lot of global competition under their belts, but once again, we don’t really see anything that shows us this in any tangible way. At the end, we’re asked to tweet for the crews we’d like to see more of. Um … ALL OF THEM?

We get another brother-sister story next. He’s spent most of his life in the hospital and so she was put in dance as a way to give her a break from all of that. She’s very good, almost too controlled for me to really feel a lot, but undeniable skill set. Immediate ticket flingage, and she earned that.

And? We’re finally at our last dancer of the night. Do we end on an energy-filled, joyous buzz of dance madness? Eh … not so much. If this guy were any more mellow, he’d be asleep in Bestest Hostess Ever Cat Deeley’s lap. He’s an animator, and another ATL cranker and, basically, I think he’d really just rather take a nap. (Which? We also see him do.) All this waiting around has drained the poor thing. His eyes are mostly closed and in this almost-trance-like voice as he’s telling us how energetic his dance style is and Cat deadpans, “You do energetic?” I luv huh. Because HA! He’s all about Cat’s accent, but he confesses that the woman who has all his attention? Our own Miss Mary Murphy. HA again! Cat’s all, “Not Jenna?” And he’s all, “Oh, she’s straight. But Mary … she’s all energetic.” HA HA! He admits he wants to get on the Hot Tamale Train. And I’m dying. OK, I officially love this guy. We may not be ending on a frenzy-of-dance-moves note, but I’m laughing. And in a good way. And that ain’t bad. Especially after the less-than-stellar two hours we’ve just sat through. (See, I told you to fast-forward. But do you listen?) Also? Sleepy Poppa has a tiny tot, age of 4, and I’m charmed enough that I care not at all that we’re spending more time on the Tiny Tots of Dance Parade. TT goes from dead asleep to dancing, right back to dead asleep. Takes after poppa. Who, it turns out, is actually very good, but, most surprising is he’s quite the funny guy performer. He at least gets choreo round from that.

And, wow, we have 32 in the Choreography Round, including Sleepy Poppa, our original ATL cranker, and the Girl Who Should Have Gotten a Ticket. Both crankers really do dedicate themselves to the round, and surprisingly, Sleepy Poppa does the better of the two, but …? No luck this year. Aww. However, the two classiest exits of the night. Nice guys and good on both of you! Girl Who Should Have Gotten Her Ticket finally does, along with nine other dancers. We should have gotten the phone call home to her mama moment, but alas, why would the show want to do that and give us a Heartwarming Ending Moment?

We don’t get to hear how many dancers total move on from Atlanta, but next week is mercifully, blessedly, our Call Back Round, and we do know we’ll have 157 dancers joining us. However briefly.

I’m thrilled to have slogged through the slow part of the season. Ovah!! Next week we start clacking up that last hill, then it’s all wheeeeeeeeeeee! after that.

And, because I love you and appreciate you not leaving me to do this all alone, I have a little wheeeeeeeee! for you right now! Last week I put an advance copy of my next book release, Sandpiper Island, up for bragging rights grab. And you guys? Continue to be just the grabbiest bunch ever. I really like that about you! Who gets the bragging rights? Come on down, Sheila Soab!! Drop me an e-mail to donna@donnakauffman.com with an address and your copy will be in the mail to ya.

Now, it’s no fun if we’re chatting like this, all cozy and judgmental and stuff, and there’s nothing really in it for you. Well, other than that smug sense of righteousness and all. So, let’s give away some more book swag, shall we? I have a great beach read out rightthiseverysecond and oh look! It happens to be beach-read season! Imagine that! I also have the very talented Joyce Taber of The Cotton Thistle designing bookmark charms and amazing necklace pieces exclusively for this series, and I think y’all should snag one of those as well. I know! I’m a giver, what can I say?

Wanna win a copy of Half Moon Harbor and an exclusive HMH pendant? Well, just drop an e-mail to donna@donnakauffman.com with “So I Think I Want a Beach Read!” in the subject line. And … that’s it! Next week I’ll announce the winner and, OK, now, you do have to do your part and check back in here to see if it’s your name up in digital lights, because, I can’t be out there, hunting you down. Deal? Awesome. Oh, and if you want to see a photo of that lovely pendant you’ll be sporting, check out my blog space.

What’s that you say? You didn’t know I also wrote books when I’m not busy snarking — er, I mean, relating my well-thought-out and heavily researched opinion pieces on a variety of television series? Well, indeed I do! Click right on over to www.donnakauffman.com and dive in already! And, if you want to hang out with me all BFF-style and keep on talking smack about stuff, well, consider this your personal invite to my Facebook BFF Page. We’re jocular over there. Regularly. We also like manly men, so there’s that. Be one or ogle one, you’re all welcome. No, no, I mean you’re welcome. See you there! Then see you here, next week. Same Dance Time, but with some Better Dance on that Station!

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