My Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me

I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months and we haven’t been intimate yet. I am a pretty sexual person, so I’ve asked him a few times why he doesn’t want to move further in our relationship. In the beginning, he told me that his last relationship ended badly and that he hasn’t had sex in four years, so he feels uncomfortable. I understood and didn’t bring it up again for a few months. When I asked him again, he said that he’s uncomfortable with sex. I asked him what he was uncomfortable with and he didn’t have an answer other than “I don’t know.” I, once again, let the issue go unanswered for a little while. In our nine months together, we kiss every time we see each other, but we’ve only made out twice. That’s the furthest we’ve gone. When I go to kiss him more than just once or twice, he stops me. He sleeps over my apartment anytime he can, but we just sleep and sometimes cuddle. The most recent time I asked him about our lack of intimacy, I made an assumption about why he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and he didn’t disagree. I had weight loss surgery a few years ago, and am still working very hard at tightening up and meeting my goal weight/body. My assumption was that it was me, that he didn’t find me attractive enough. I was heartbroken and cried myself to sleep. He slept over, and in the morning told me that it was my decision where we should go from here. I decided that we would stay together and that he would be my support system in attaining my goals. I’m not entirely happy because now I feel like I’m not reaching for my goals just for me … it’s for him too, along with our intimate life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him, but I just don’t know how to move forward and keep my self-confidence high. Do you think I can continue to be with him? How can I express how hurt I feel?

It’s not you.
It’s not you.
It’s not you.

He’s not communicating. He’s making you feel miserable. And your mind is running wild with theories as you try to blame yourself for his coldness and remoteness. But it’s not you.

He told you he hasn’t had sex for four years. You’ve only been dating him for nine months. His lack of sexual desire does not have anything to do with you. It’s not because you’re not attractive enough. I’m sure you are. And this is his problem.

This guy needs therapy. There’s clearly something deep-seated that’s causing this problem. I can’t begin to speculate about what that may be. But it’s unfair and dishonest of him to know himself and not tell you when you’re feeling insecure, “No, it’s not you. It’s me.” He’s not taking responsibility for himself — and that’s manipulative.

You’re with the wrong guy for you. As you say, you have goals and you deserve the right to chase them with all the self-confidence in the world. He has no right to hold you back.

He gave you an out. He told you it was your “decision where we should go from here.” Take him up on it. Tell him that you deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants you. Tell him that you want to be with someone who is open to love and affection, and who can communicate better. Then break up with him. Because that person is out there.

You’re worthy of love and desire and respect. It doesn’t have to be this hard.

I want to preface this by saying I love my boyfriend very much, and we have a lot of fun together. We have been together for 3.5 years and living together for about a year. I do like living with him; however, I never got a chance to live with my best friend and we had always talked about doing that. It didn’t happen because she was living alone and her lease wasn’t up by the time I had to move, so I also moved to a one-bedroom apartment. Eventually my boyfriend moved in, and it’s been good, besides a few fights, of course. My question is: Is it wrong or does it make me a bad girlfriend for wanting to move with my best friend when this lease is up? She and I have been talking about it at length and we are both really into it, and we have been planning to do this since we both turned 18 but just never had the opportunity until now. Do you think it’s an OK idea for me to live with her for a bit, or do you think it’ll hurt my relationship more than it’s worth?
You should do what makes you happy. If you’d rather live with your best friend than your boyfriend, by all means, live with your friend. It seems like it’s worth a shot, because the only other option is to stay put — and it seems clear that you’d rather not. Obviously, it’s a risk because it will hurt your boyfriend’s feelings and may damage the trust you’ve built. But it sounds like it’s a risk that you feel is worth taking. And there are some things you can do to soften the blow.

Even if you’re fairly sure that you would like to move out — and it sounds like you are — you can’t just announce your decision. If you want to keep dating him, you need to make him feel like this is a decision that the two of you are making together. You need to talk it out, and you obviously need to handle that conversation delicately. Otherwise, he’s just going to feel like you’re moving out on him.

Think about what you’re going to say — maybe even rehearse it a bit with your friend — and think hard about why you want this so badly. How will you explain why you still want to date him, but would rather not live with him? Tell him that you’ve been planning this since you were 18 and it’s always been a dream. And tell him why this could be good for your relationship — which is basically because you want to be in a relationship where you support each other’s happiness and trust each other, even if your short-term goals don’t align.

No matter what you say, he’s going to take this personally. He’s likely going to feel upset and rejected. He’s going to feel that you’re choosing your friend over him. And he’s probably going to feel embarrassed and nervous about explaining this to his friends too. That’s all to say his ego is going to be bruised and you’re really going to need to remind him of how much you love him.

If the idea is to spend a year or so living with your best friend before settling down with your boyfriend, tell him that. But if that’s not the truth — if you’re really just looking for a way out of a relationship that got too serious, too fast — tell him that too. Don’t make things more complicated than they need to be. Don’t lie when the truth would do. If you really want space and time to be young and single, without a boyfriend, be honest about that too.

My fianceé and I recently got engaged after having dated for six years (three years of college followed by three years of graduate school). We have a great sex life and, more often than not, she is the one introducing newer or “kinkier” things. However, there is one aspect of my sexuality that I have heretofore felt uncomfortable opening up about. For as long as I can remember, I have had a bit of a thing (maybe “fetish” is the word) for full-back satin panties. I do not sniff them or anything creepy like that. I simply like how the soft material feels up against the boys and find the visual of a satin bikini-clad female very arousing. I’ve already made up my mind that I’m going to tell her before we move in together. I don’t want to start off our marriage on a lie only to have her discover this on her own (which, let’s be honest, is inevitable). So, my question is twofold: (1) How common is it for a straight male to fetishize such a specific and uniquely feminine item as full-back satin panties? (2) How should I bring this up or phrase it so she doesn’t think I’m some kind of creepy pervert? I am concerned my fianceé will think I’m either a cross dresser, pervert, latent homosexual, or some combination of the above. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Relax. This is not a big deal. In answer to your first question: No, it’s not at all unusual for a straight guy to have a fetish for lingerie. Lots of guys love garters and corsets; other guys get turned on by thongs and booty shorts. Everyone gets turned on by something. As such fetishes go, a preference for black satin panties is positively classy.

If anything, I bet your girlfriend will be relieved to discover something that turns you on so much, since, as you say, she usually bears the responsibility of introducing “newer or kinkier things.” People like to know how to make their partners happy. It’s hot when you tell someone what you crave — and it’s something they can do for you.

So don’t worry. Go buy her the pair you’ve been dreaming about. Or 10 pairs. The only thing that will change about your relationship is that you’ll be happier — and she’ll have to think a little less the next time she goes shopping.

By the way, since you wrote “bikini-clad female,” I replied assuming that you don’t like wearing them yourself. But since you mentioned cross-dressing, I’ll just add that, even if you do like to wear them, it’s not the craziest thing to do — and it wouldn’t be hurting anyone in any way. Your fiancée may well think it’s odd, but she loves you and could probably come to understand. Most turn-ons aren’t exactly rational — in fact, that’s part of what makes them hot.

Do you have a question for Logan about sex or relationships? Ask him here.

Follow Logan on Twitter.

Share and Enjoy