Sheriff’s department launches Facebook page

The La Crosse County Sheriff’s Department launched a Facebook
page Thursday to connect with the public.

Deputies will update the page weekly with safety awareness
pointers, community events and crime-prevention tips.

“We want to get people to work together as a community,” Deputy
Brandon Penzkover said.

The department welcomes positive feedback, questions and concerns,
and visitors can expect a quick reply, Deputy Stephanie Welch
said.

Sheriff Steve Helgeson will monitor the page and reply directly to
some posts, Welch said.

Facebook members can find the department’s page by searching “La
Crosse County Sheriff’s Department” on Facebook.

Sheriff’s chickencue on July 28

The
sheriff’s department’s Community Services Program is holding a
chickencue from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. July 28 to benefit DARE and GREAT
in the parking lot north of the Law Enforcement Center. A meal is
$8 and is catered by Premier Catering.

Group orders of more than 10 meals placed by 5 p.m. Friday can be
delivered.

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Too hot? Use these tips to stay ugly

by Ivan Lajara
Journal Register News Service

With temperatures reaching more than 100 degrees Fahrenhoweveryourspellthis, it is important to note that newspapers all over the hot regions will tell you how hot it is, because they think you are too stupid to notice.

So let’s repurpose the best tips that we’ve found in several condescending newspaper articles and let us share with you tips that will make you want to say: What a waste of time!

• Drink plenty of water. The more dehydrated you are, the more your body temperature rises. And don’t drink coffee, alcohol, sugary drinks or any of the other things that we are drinking while we write this column.

• Eat hot food. Chili has capsaicin, a chemical that makes you sweat — and thus, it cools you off. It also helps people laugh at your suffering.

• Eat a salad. You will get all slow and sluggish if you eat heavy, but that’s also because you’re fat (yeah, you look it in those pants, too).

• Don’t get angry. If people tell you that the heat is proof of global warming, slap them in the face with a hot chili (see tip above). Note that the same applies in winter when it’s too cold and people says it’s proof there’s no global warming.

• Ditch the socks. Keep your feet cool by looking ridiculous in your business suit.

• Use well known tricks from desert people. Actually, don’t. They live in the desert. Not too smart.

Yet, you might want do as they do and hang a damp cloth from an open window when the air is cooler outside, which works great because the air is cooled as it goes in and because nobody has to look at your naked, sweaty behind.

• Move to Wassilla, Ala. It’s cool — and we hear you can see Russia from there.

• Make your own air conditioner! Put a bowl of ice in front of a fan and show everyone how broke you are because you don’t have money for an air conditioner.

• Make yourself wet. Use a spray bottle to cool off from the fact that you were thinking something else when you started reading this paragraph.

• Fan out. If your house is hotter than outside, flip the fan and suck the hot air out of your house. You also get to share your nasty smells with your neighbor.

• Use a fan and the air conditioner at the same time. Put your air conditioner in the lowest setting and have a fan running. Show a guest how cheap you are. It is important to note that fans do not cool rooms, so there’s no need to keep them running when you are not home. It is also important to note that this tip could’ve come handy a month and a half ago when we started leaving the fan running when not at home.

• Buy a newspaper! Use it as a fan and keep us in business. Bonus: We’ll tell you how hot is is outside and give you bad cooling tips.

• Shut down the computer. Do you really need to log in to Facebook to tell other people how hot it is because you have a hot laptop in your lap?

• Do not dry your clothes in the dryer. Use a clothesline. It’s environmentally friendly; it shows your neighbors that you’ve got holes on your SpongeBob SquarePants underwear; and it will make your clothes smell like the barbecue your next door neighbor had when you hanged them out to dry. Mmmmm, chicken.

• Cool your bed. Fill a sock with rice, tie it and put it in the freezer. Then put it in your bed and watch your cat destroy the thing and spread rice all over your room. Cool!

• Get out of town. No, seriously, do us a favor and get out. We’ve got enough sweaty behinds around here.

• Return to Paging Mode

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