Christmas 2011: We Are The Physics’ Top Ten Christmas Moments
December 21, 2011 by admin
Filed under Choosing Lingerie
As a self-confessed Christmas obsessive (reports that he’s been watching festive films since August are pretty strong), We Are The Physics frontman Michael M didn’t just want to list his top films, songs or what he’s circled in the Argos catalogue this year. Instead it’s the list of all lists – his favourite festive occurrences of all time.
I’m right into Christmas and, despite its emphasis on consuming, consuming and consuming, if you dig deep enough, you’ll uncover its true meaning. Which is, of course, Christmas Top Of The Pops. Instead of choosing my top ten Christmas films, or top ten Christmas songs, or top ten Christmas top ten top tens, I’ve decided to be as specific as possible. I’m narrowing my top ten down to specific Christmas moments across TV, films and music to pinpoint exact moments that give me that Christmassy tingle, let me know the season is coming, or just make me laugh turkey out of every orifice on my face.
Undoubtedly one of my top sixteen Christmas songs of all time, the Welsh Elvis’ ode to finding girls under mistletoe and kissing them on the candles is a gem. That’s not enough for me, though. No, there’s one moment in the song that truly gets me in the Christmas spirit, and that’s when it magically goes up a key and the backing singers start to sound like strangled robots. Even though they’ve thrown as much Christmas shit at the video as possible, including putting Shakey in a jumper that consumers at TopShop would pay up to £59 for, the terrifying vocal slide at 3:46 is the moment to savour. It’s the noise that represents that very second you realise Santa is an anagram of Satan. Skip to 3:46! It’s demonic!
This is a bit of a cheater. East 17′s pop Christmas gem Stay Another Day isn’t even really a Christmas song (it’s got them bells in it, that’s about it), and the part that I like isn’t even in the Christmas-themed video that saw the Easties donning the baggiest ski-suits ever. No, this is the alternate video in which they’re in a studio TOTALLY REALISTICALLY RECORDING THE SONG while bizarrely shooting the video simultaneously. A bit like Band Aid, but without Bananarama looking like they want to see their booking agent roasting on an open fire. This video sees the East 17ers (none of these pet names will stick) gathered round a piano and playing along with the song just like they didn’t do when they recorded it. So, what’s good about that? Tony Mortimer has one hand in a packet of crisps. Why’s that good? Dunno. Just is. Merry Christmas.
Yes, an advert. I make myself sick. The Christmas adverts this year have been grim, pompous and ghastly sell-fests that might as well leap out of the screen and into your body, squeezing at your heart yelling “FEEL CHRISTMAS. FEEEEL CHRISTMASSYYYY! BUY BUY BUY!” Whereas a simple Christmas advert that attempts to flog a product and stoke the Christmas spirit is one that, while we might not agree with, at least can make the conveyor belt of consumerism a little more palatable. I used to get pretty excited as a child when the Coca Cola ‘hoooolidays are coming‘ advert used to start doing the rounds in July. It meant that ‘holidays’ or, as we call it on Planet Earth: ‘Jesus Period’, were indeed looming. But, when Irn Bru launched their Snowman parody advert that mimicked the famous ‘walking in the air’ flying scene, depicting the little boy being an Irn Bru-hogging prick and refusing to give the Snowman any, it was finally time for me to feel Scottish and Christmassy. The vile Glasgow humour as the Snowman lets go of the boy from a great height and you see him plummet towards George Square in Glasgow is the polar opposite of the saccharine and over sentimentalised Christmas you’ll often be forced to endure by television, particularly this year. And I know I’m being sold Irn Bru but, to be honest, I’m Scottish. they could never make another advert again and I’d keep buying it. It’s like water to me.
I didn’t just buy the USA-only Blu-Ray release of this that comes with a free Santa hat, moose eggnog cup and coasters. I didn’t. Honest. I did. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation isn’t exactly the most subtle film of all time, but this story of Clark Griswold’s attempts to give his family the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fuckin’-Kaye is one I go back to every year. And within the slapstick there’s this moment when Clark’s quest for joy is truly scuppered as his oversized Christmas tree goes on fire and he’s forced to find another. Wielding a chainsaw, a Santa outfit and a manic grin he finally loses the plot and manages to inexplicably replace the word ‘tree’ with ‘coffin’. That’s it. Just that moment.
When I was young on the lead up to Christmas, I’d convince my mum that the entire last two weeks of school had no lessons and we were just to bring in games so there was no point going in at all, which meant I spent a lot of time at home watching This Morning with Richard Judy. And what a treat! Every year they’d do a Nativity play and there’d be some terrible breach of broadcasting etiquette. Richard Madeley is Alan Partridge, but real. And here he is headbutting a child while wearing a head-dress. These are the sort of images I want behind the doors of the advent calendar. Instead I’m met with angels and Christmas trees. Kinnerton, please make a Richard Madeley’s Yuletide Faux Pas Calendar.
Psychos seize Santa’s workshop! This fake trailer that starts the Bill Murray movie Scrooged, in which Santa and his helpers enlist the help of Lee Majors to fend off terrorists, never fails to make me wish there’d been an internet full of geeky bastards who were able to dragoon a studio into creating a full feature back then. Scrooged is one of my favourite Christmas films up until the moment Bill Murray realises the error of his ways and it stops being funny.
Doesn’t need much of an explanation this! Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF! Here’s a montage I made of all his facial expressions I like. My favourite is the subtle horror when Buzz suggests he wouldn’t let him sleep in his room if he was growing on his ass. Oscar-worthy.
The entire Father Ted Christmas special is, surely, one of the best pieces of comedy ever written, but the remarkable scene in which Ted must lead 8 priests safely out of a lingerie department in order to save their reputation never fails to make me piss myself. Curiously, this scene caused my sister to laugh so much, she went into labour and had a child. She wasn’t even pregnant! It was really weird.
Apparently A Christmas Story is a huge festive staple in America with some channels showing it 24 hours a day throughout the Christmas season, whereas in Britain it goes fairly unknown. I remember seeing it on BBC 2 when I was really young so it’s always stayed with me – because I taped it. It’s the story of a young boy in the 40s who wants nothing more than a BB Gun for his Christmas and his requests are always met with the same retort : “You’ll shoot your eye out.” In an effort to go straight to the source, he visits a Santa working overtime in a huge department store. It’s all shot in such a bizarre fish-eye wide angled way from the perspective of a child that it conjures up memories of why we all looked so terrified in our Santa photos. Interestingly, the director Bob Clark also made the yuletide horror Black Christmas, so he probably had a couple of festive demons himself.
Hardly specific this one, but everything about it is so perfect that you can’t pinpoint an exact moment of genius. Phil Spector is Christmas. Apart from, you know, shooting that woman and having his child die on Christmas Day. Apart from that, he managed to create a record so full of recognisable and amazing songs that just sound so much like Christmas that this is the first thing I listen to when I’m putting my tree up, when I’m opening the first door on my advent calendar, when I’m realising I’m a man and must really grow out of this at some point. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home), Sleigh Ride, Bells Of Saint Mary’s, all performed by some of the best singers of the era. Darlene Love, The Ronettes. The Crystals. It’s just a magical aural thrill that doesn’t become the frantic shop-based irritants that Slade and Wizzard are sadly reduced to. Apparently it took a painstaking six weeks to record in which Mr. Spector worked the performers so hard and for so long, they were all practically dying. And you can really hear the effort that’s gone into it. Which makes it all the more special! I want people to bleed for my present! Sure, you can go on This Is Fake DIY Records and buy We Are The Physics Are OK At Music easy enough (and you should), but we all know it’s the thought and effort that counts. So, you should come to see us live and buy one there. Can’t believe I turned this into a plug.
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Tuesday cover- customer service at the holidays
December 20, 2011 by admin
Filed under Choosing Lingerie
It’s not only the Grinch who stole Christmas.
Some grouchy sales clerks do, too.
Shopping is now at its peak and holiday sales can account for up to 40 percent of a retailer’s annual revenue. But just when stores need to put on their best customer service show – to not only get sales now but get customers to come back next year – they may have the hardest time keeping their standards high or even acceptable. Overworked employees – some just seasonal or poorly trained – can blow the bottom-line.
A recent study by American Express found that nearly 80 percent of Americans ditched an intended purchase because of a poor customer service experience. But on the flip side, consumers said they will spend an average of 13 percent more with companies that provide excellent service.
“The holidays might be the only time you get that customer in the store. You have to leverage that one time encounter,” said Richard Shapiro, founder and president of The Center for Client Retention in New Jersey, which does research on customer satisfaction. “It’s important to engage them. You can’t lose those people. Business is too hard to get.”
What consumers expect
Customer service checklists can includes well-trained, pleasant workers, relaxed return policies, extended hours during the holidays, free gift wrapping and shipping, and perks like valet parking – with some services more costly to implement than others.
But some customer service initiatives cost little more than making an effort. It can be a smile and eye contact when seeing a customer, a quick ‘do you need help?’ or ‘thank, you for coming in.’
But a survey by American Express earlier this year, found that 6 in 10 Americans believe businesses have not increased their focus on providing good service, and more than 50 percent say they have lost their tempers with a customer service employee, usually by insisting on speaking to a supervisor, hanging up the phone or threatening to switch to a competitor.
Americans also are very vocal about their experiences, sharing good experiences with an average of nine people, but sharing bad experiences with nearly twice as many people. But three in five Americans would try a new brand or company for a better service experience. A majority of the respondents also feel smaller companies place a bigger emphasis on customer service.
Another study by Oracle found customers want instant gratification when they walk in the door. They want the same or better pricing and promotions in the stores as they saw on the store’s website, and if an item they want is out of stock, they expect an employee to find one in their network and have it shipped. Online, they want more detailed product information, better searches and easier access to customer service representatives through live help options.
“It really is all about the customers, meeting their needs and expectations,” said Tom Sclafani, vice president, public affairs at American Express. “Each customer encounter is not just a transaction but an opportunity to deepen the relationship.”
Who’s Naughty, Who’s nice?
Consumer Reports recently revealed its new “naughty or nice” holiday list – looking at the good and not-so-good shopping policies and the retailers behind them.
Among the nice: American Express for offering its customers peace of mind with a guarantee of full refunds on any charged items up to $300 that are returned to a store within 90 days after purchase, and Costco for a generous return policy and free tech support on many electronics products and automatic extended warranties.
Among the naughty: RadioShack for having a higher price in the store than online, and American Apparel for a more stringent in-store return policy.
A recent survey of 9,374 shoppers by the National Retail Federation Foundation and American Express also named 10 finalists for the best in customer service and the official ranking will be released in mid-January. Among the top 10 are Amazon.com, JCPenney, Kohl’s, Land’s End, Nordstrom and QVC.
Nordstrom, for example, has offered customers free shipping, free gift wrapping, personal stylists, buy online/pick up in the store offers, free Wi-Fi and even a virtual gift card during the holidays. JCPenney is one of the retailers offering extended hours as the countdown to Christmas gets closer and Kohl’s offers a “hassle-free” return policy where customers can return any Kohl’s item at any time for any reason with or without a receipt.
This season, locally based merchants have been rewarding their loyal customers with discount events. Park Place held a customer appreciation night with merchants like Annabelles Fine Linens and Gifts and Bella B’s Boutique offering 20 percent off entire purchases. Other stores in the Leawood center offered 20 percent off specific items like holiday merchandise. The event also included trunk shows.
Function Junction, a housewares store in Crown Center, offered a 20 percent discount on all regularly priced items on its “Friends Family Day” to show “our appreciation for your friendship and support over the years.” The event also included house-made coffee cake and warm beverages.
Independence Center gives customers a one-stop-shop at its customer service counter by offering an American Express gift card that can be used at any of Simon shopping centers across the country. Customers also can pick up Missouri lottery tickets, Ticketmaster tickets, retailer gift cards, check-out the latest discounts at area stores, and tap into wireless Internet on their laptop, phone or PDA.
The Independence mall takes guest services employees through a 6-to-8 week training period making sure they are adept at all the systems from ticket sales to the security policy, and how to deal with stressed shoppers.
“We train them for all situations. If a customer is having a bad day we let them know not to encourage it but to try to work with them to get them through and make it a good day for them,” said Karen Reichert-LaSage, spokeswoman for Independence Center.
Oak Park Mall in Overland Park is offering a $5 valet service through the season, customers can call or text the valet service to have their car warmed up and waiting for them when they want to leave. The Legends Outlets Kansas City in Kansas City, Kan., also introduced a similar service in early November that will be ongoing after the holidays.
Clair de lune, an upscale lingerie, hosiery, loungewear, robe and pajama store in Overland Park, offered a “men-only” shopping event Sunday, scheduling it just after the Kansas Chiefs played the Green Bay Packers. The store also offered free gift wrapping and refreshments. The shop also keeps preferred brands and sizes on file and offers free gift wrapping.
Jill Hathaway, owner of J. Hathaway Shoe Boutique in Leawood, sends thank you notes to her customers, calls them when limited edition and exclusive items come in in their sizes, and will even take shoes to the home or businesses of time-starved customers. And if she runs out of a particular shoe a customer wants, she won’t push another shoe style but will call her representative or even a competitor to try to find the exact product.
“Customers are my bread-and-butter so whatever it takes to take care of them,” Hathaway said
Lori Scott, director of specialty retail at Park Place and a longtime retail consultant, said retailers have to look at customer services expenditures as part of their marketing costs.
“It’s such a great opportunity for a retailer to form a great relationship,” Scott said. “Retailers need to send the same message in everything they do – from sales help, to return policies, to the quality of their packaging.”
ONGOING efforts
Good customer service starts with the front line employees at brick-and-mortar stores and at Internet call centers.
Retail experts advise recruiting employees who have shown an interest in helping others, perhaps through coaching a Little League or helping at a soup kitchen. Then train them well in the customer service mindset, even empowering them to make some decisions without first checking with a supervisor. So if they are stocking shelves but a line is forming at the check-out they could wait on customers without flagging down a manager for approval to switch jobs.
Employers also can tap into a wealth of market research just by listening to their front line employees who have the most direct contact with customers.
Shapiro of the Center for Client Retention and author of the forthcoming book, “The Welcomer Edge: Unlocking the Secrets to Repeat Business,” which will hit shelves in February, said retailers need to get back to the basics of treating customers as individuals with unique needs
“You can’t just hire bodies and put them at the sales counter or you might as well be all self-service,” he said.
Permanent employees can hand out their business cards at the holidays, saying ‘this is my card, these are my hours, and please come back.’ After the holidays, retailers should put their most experienced and nicest employees at the return counter.
“Most people don’t like returning items but this can be used as an opportunity to build the relationship,” Shapiro said. “Ninety percent of the time the loyalty is not to the company but to a person who works at the company.”
Other retailers are opting to offer bi-lingual representatives, and websites, instructions, and directions in both Spanish and English to be more welcoming to a growing Latino population.
The Oracle study also found 30 percent of consumers ages 18 to 24 say they are, or soon will be, using their mobile phone as a payment device in stores (though 25 percent of consumers are still worried about security breaches). So retailers wanting to be on the cutting edge of service need to lay out funds for new checkout devices.
“We are all choosing, very carefully in this economy, where we are going to spend our discretionary dollars,” Scott said. “Retailers have to go above and beyond in customer service and friendliness, 200 percent all day, everyday. We want a lovely, memorable experience.”