What New Year resolutions would YOU make for your other half? Martin …
December 27, 2012 by admin
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By
Martin Daubney and Diana Daubney
19:18 EST, 26 December 2012
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19:18 EST, 26 December 2012
Just suppose that rather than giving ourselves New Year’s resolutions, we gave them to our partners. Martin Daubney and his partner Diana are intending to do exactly that . . .
Martin and Diana Daubney have made New Year’s resolutions for each other this year
HIS RESOLUTIONS FOR HER…
Martin thinks Diana should lose a stone
- YOU NEED TO LOSE A STONE
Why is telling your partner they’re overweight such a social taboo? I could do with shaping up, I openly admit that: but show me a man (or a woman) who doesn’t think their partner would benefit from shedding a few pounds, and they’re either lucky or a liar.
Diana will be the first to admit that her confidence has been eroded by an increase in weight since she gave birth to our son Sonny three-and-a-half years ago.
The weight gain has also exacerbated a back ailment. Even the GP has told her she would benefit from exercising and losing weight.
She needs to stop using Sonny as an excuse, saying she’s too busy to exercise. Our local gym has a creche – we can exercise together. Or I’ll look after him while she goes.
If helping Diana to lose weight makes her happy again, then it will be worth the pain of giving her the grim message: you need to lose a stone! And you need to lose it fast!
- STOP WEARING GRANNY PANTS
It is a sad fact that sexy underwear seems to be one of the first casualties of the war that is motherhood. When we first met, Diana was a vision in Agent Provocateur. These days, most of her MS specials are about erotic as a Sainsbury’s Bag For Life.
Martin would like Diana to stop wearing ‘granny pants’
Saucy nights in white satin have been replaced by early nights in greying flannel. All of her pants seem to have taken on that same deathly grey pallor, as if they’ve been poisoned by a rogue black sock – probably one of Diana’s knee-high, thermal numbers.
I know lace isn’t the fabric of choice for the school run (apparently it ‘chafes’), and I know that these days singing nursery songs is more important than choosing thongs. But, day by day, Diana’s knicker drawer is coming to resemble a duster drawer. And it is taking the Mr Sheen off our love life.
- STOP FAFFING
It’s a well-shared joke that Diana’s family are legendary faffers. Their shared logic seems to be: ‘When heading out, why leave the house once when you can leave it three times?’
A trip to Tesco might see Diana tear back into the house several times for items such as her iPhone, keys, purse, Club Card, ethical shopping bag, or Sonny’s toys.
Before a jaunt to the playground, even Sonny stands at the door impatiently ramming his scooter into the skirting board, shouting, ‘Mummy, we go out now!’ while Diana takes 25 minutes to pack enough provisions to get Captain Scott to the South Pole.
I am a ‘keys, phone, wallet, and if I need anything else I can buy it’ kind of man. But me not being stressed merely adds to her stress. ‘Where’s my phone?’ she foams, as I tell her (perhaps unhelpfully), ‘Where you last left it, dear’.
I wish Di would spare us the misery – and herself a trip to the cardiac ward – and desist from all this pointless faffing in 2013.
- STOP BUYING ENDLESS TOYS
Buying toys for Sonny is Diana’s new addiction, and because she has drastically cut back on buying lingerie, shoes and accessories for herself, she thinks it is OK.
Our house has more garish plastic than a TOWIE Xmas party. We have enough Brio train track to install a high-speed rail link from here to Birmingham.
Martin thinks Diana should stop buying toys for their son, Sonny
When I was a child, I waited for gifts at birthdays and Christmas, and they meant something. I think Sonny is spoiled, and it makes buying gifts for him a nightmare for our relatives, as – embarrassingly – he already has everything.
It is not just annoying and wasteful, it’s dangerous. Our kitchen has become a Toys R Us warehouse, and I have tripped over toys on many occasions.
The other day, Diana tripped and fell over Brok the Brachiosaurus, badly bruising her knee. It took all my strength not to say: ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
- BE MORE ASSERTIVE
WHO KNEW?
Six out of ten of us who resolve to eat more healthily in the New Year revert to our old eating habits after just six days of trying
If I had to choose one phrase that best sums up Diana’s outlook on decision-making, it would be ‘What do you think?’
It’s her default response to nearly every question I ask, from, ‘Do you want to get married?’ to even scarier things like, ‘What do you want for tea?’
Darling, a question is not an answer. Well brought-up to the point of worrying passivity, Diana is the sort of person who wouldn’t call a spade a spade for fear it would rather choose to be a fork.
Whereas I admit I can be outspoken and boorish, Di is a professional hedge-sitter. If I’m guilty of causing offence through speaking without thinking, Diana constantly worries about what people might think, and so doesn’t speak for fear of causing offence.
I wish Diana would tell me what she wants to do. She will get to do more of the things she likes, and it will take some stress off me.
HER RESOLUTIONS FOR HIM…
- STOP BEING SO VAIN
Don’t get me wrong, I like a well-groomed man. To a point. But Martin spends more time preening than I do. He plucks his eyebrows daily, and applies four different creams after shaving. He even gets his mum to bring special eye cream back from America.
If I dare to walk in front of the mirror when he is styling his hair, he barks at me like a dog might at a postman.
But the worst bit is when he horribly scrunches his nose and inserts his buzzing nasal hair trimmer. I once caught him using my concealer on a spot. Some things are just best left unseen …
Diana thinks Martin should be less vain
- DITCH THE GRANDDAD PYJAMAS
Our favourite TV show is Mad Men, but while most male viewers become smitten with voluptuous bombshell Christina Hendricks, Martin fell in love with Don Draper’s pyjamas.
It started a pyjama obsession that shows no signs of letting up. He has them in every hue.
Some make him look like a stick of rock, or, worse, my dad – especially when he pulls the pyjama bottoms up so the waistline is almost up to his armpits.
The checked MS thermal numbers are total passion killers, especially when paired with his pensioner’s slippers.
- DON’T FALL ASLEEP ON THE SOFA
Last night, a miracle happened: Martin stayed awake on the sofa beyond 10pm. But it was only because he’d had a nap earlier!
My mum had warned me that men slow down as they get older, but this is ridiculous. Martin is 42. My dad is 73, yet he stays up later than Martin, and goes out more.
Diana is fed up of Martin falling asleep on the sofa
Watching a movie with him these days is practically impossible, and I’ve given up on DVD box sets, as he’s always saying: ‘What happened in the last episode – I think I must have nodded off?’
We put Sonny to bed at 7.30pm, and Martin usually isn’t far behind, especially if he’s been at the sherry. I used to have to drag him away from parties. Now I’m lucky if he lasts past the opening credits of Antiques Roadshow.
I’m used to Sonny falling asleep on me while drooling. I expect more from my man. It’s unattractive!
- STOP RUDDY TAPPING!
Martin used to be in a band and still taps his fingers all day long
Back in the early Nineties, Martin used to play drums in a band. To this day, he infuriatingly taps along to the radio or his iPod – drumming his fingers on the table or the car dashboard.
No occasion is sacred. He does it during meetings with Sonny’s headteacher and at family meals.
When I say ‘Stop tapping your fingers!’ – which I do, constantly – he briefly stops, looks me in the eye, then does it again. Or, worse, he switches to his feet. Agghhh!
I fantasise about his extremities being frozen with paralysis. His constant tip-tapping makes me want to scream.
- STOP BEING BORING
Martin is turning into an old man ahead of his time – and he is getting really, really boring!
For my sins, I know all about his twin loves – cars and gardening. He’s told me everything I could possibly need to know about the life cycle of the stag beetle and the subtle workings of carburettors.
To be honest, half the time I don’t know what he’s prattling on about – mainly because I just switch off.
Martin’s life used to be dominated by new music releases, restaurant openings, forthcoming holidays, and fashion or art shows he’d take me to. These days, he’s obsessed by the pollination cycles of the fruit trees, and, above all, the wheelie bin collection rota.
I want the old Martin back. We need more spice in our life for 2013.
Diana wants more ‘spice’ in 2013
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The knickers/bikini bottoms in the picture, is the DM saying these are granny pants or they aren’t?
Allie
,
Warwickshire, United Kingdom,
27/12/2012 07:47
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I liked this, made me laugh. They sound pretty well matched.
Allie
,
Warwickshire, United Kingdom,
27/12/2012 07:45
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What a lovely couple; they don’t want much-not
Octavia
,
Bath, United Kingdom,
27/12/2012 07:35
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I thought faffing was something you did from your bottom ……. one of those words that has different meanings in different countries I guess!
Xxxxinger
,
Sydney, Australia,
27/12/2012 07:29
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She’s stopped wearing lingerie and he’s become boring. I wonder if there is a connection?
Sean
,
Taipei Taiwan, Taiwan,
27/12/2012 07:16
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we need a follow up in 3, 6, 9 and 12 months time to let us know how it’ s all going. BTW, those are not granny pants, no where near!
noneOfYourBusiness
,
noneOfYourBusiness,
27/12/2012 07:05
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Three months after being off work after surgery on his arm muscle, I told my fiancé that he needed to lose weight. Not because I was cruel, but because I loved and respected him. He was really mad and upset at me at the time but 6 months later when he’d lost the extra stone and was back at work and healthy he told me I was right, that he’d had loads of comments after the weight loss of how much better he looked, but how I was the only one brave enough to tell him in the first place and kick start it all. It’s all about the motivation for telling your partner, and how you go about it!
Lou
,
UK,
27/12/2012 05:37
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stop tapping, stop “boy looking”, learn the concept of time, you know washing up doesn’t take 45 mins, and hoovering doesn’t take 30 mins. I think thats all
Louise
,
New Zealand, New Zealand,
27/12/2012 05:32
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I think these two need marriage counselling, not set each othe New Year resolutions!
JulieMaxted
,
Horsham, United Kingdom,
27/12/2012 05:21
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Sachin Tendulkar’s no to retirement: Master Blaster informs selectorsof his …
December 27, 2012 by admin
Filed under Choosing Lingerie
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Sachin Tendulkar is not hanging up his boots yet. The legend has informed the selectors that he is available for selection for the ODI series against Pakistan and England, which will help him prepare for the Test series against Australia.
Speculation about his retirement was rife following Tendulkar’ s extended run of poor form. In the four Tests against England, he made only one half-century – 76 in the second Test in Kolkata.
Sources said Tendulkar has spoken to chief selector Sandeep Patil, making himself available for the two back-to-back ODI series.
“Sachin Tendulkar will be available for the ODI series against Pakistan and England. He has spoken to chairman of selection committee Sandeep Patil on the issue,” a source told Aaj Tak.
“As of now, Sachin will play in the ODIs before the Test series against Australia in February-March. The objective is to stay match-fit for the Test series. He hasn’t thought beyond the Australia series yet,” he added.
Former India captain Sourav Ganguly said that a “performing” Tendulkar would be good for the morale of the team.
“It is a good thing (playing in ODIs). Let’s hope he performs and gets back to runs. A performing Tendulkar is good for the dressing room,” Ganguly said.
“Selectors cannot ask him to retire. That’s his decision and it has to be taken by Tendulkar himself. Let us leave him alone on that,” Ganguly said.
India would be playing three ODIs against Pakistan (from December 30) and will face England in five ODIs, starting on January 11. Australia will tour India in February-March to play four Tests.
Tendulkar has been choosing his appearances in ODIs since the World Cup in an attempt to cut down on his workload and focus on the longer version of the game.
After struggling to score his milestone 100th international century during the Te series in Australia and England, Tendulkar decided to play in the trination ODI series Down Under, but could not end his drought there either.
He finally achieved the record in the Asia Cup in Bangladesh in March against the home team, though India lost the match. His 100th international century came one year after his 99th.
However, it did not signal a purple patch for Tendulkar in the longer version. In the two Tests at home against New Zealand, he scored just 63 and was bowled on all three occasions.
That led critics to argue that his reflexes are slowing down with age. Against England, Tendulkar made 112 runs in six innings. He had problems against James Anderson and Monty Panesar.