On TV this week, Jan. 7-11

On TV this week

MONDAY

SEASON PREMIERE The Bachelor, 8 p.m., ABC Man, 17 seasons of this stuff. Emily Maynard didn’t love Sean Lowe, so why should we?

SEASON PREMIERE Switched at Birth, 8 p.m., ABC Family Bay is accused of cheating and must face the Honor Board. If that doesn’t sound harrowing enough, realize the Honor Board is a 5-foot-long 2 by 6 covered in spikes and barbed wire.

SEASON PREMIERE Antiques Roadshow, 8 p.m., PBS Somebody in Corpus Christi, Texas, just casually strolls in with some painting. By Mexican artist Diego Rivera. It just may be worth something.

SEASON PREMIERE Love Hip Hop, 8 p.m., VH1 The aspiring rappers and models return to New York this year. With all the other aspiring rappers and models.

2013 Discover BCS National Championship, 8:30 p.m., ESPN Notre Dame plays Alabama in Miami. Prepare for a baseball score.

SEASON PREMIERE Bunheads, 9 p.m., ABC Family The studio is closed, so we get to see what all the dancers are doing. Most people call those things “jobs.”

TUESDAY

SEASON PREMIERE The Lying Game, 9 p.m., ABC Family Emma is all upset by Alec. Who cares? He’s in prison now.

MINISERIES PREMIERE Africa, 10 p.m., Discovery It took four years and trips to 27 countries for the film crew that made Life to handle the continent of Africa. Get a good look before poachers, deforestation, pollution, overpopulation and warfare destroy it all.

SEASON PREMIERE Justified, 10 p.m., FX Raylan Givens is back getting ready for the birth of his child, which is sure to put a dent in his daily violence quotient.

SEASON PREMIERE America’s Supernanny: Family Lockdown, 10 p.m., Lifetime Deborah Tillman continues to try to repair generations’ worth of poor child-rearing and family relations in an hour.

SERIES PREMIERE Snooki JWOWW, 10 p.m., MTV You thought Jersey Shore was over, didn’t you? Well, this one was gonna be plenty boring, but then Snooki went and had a bouncing baby plot twist.

SEASON PREMIERE Cougar Town, 10 p.m., TBS Jules is married now. Kind of ruins the concept of the show, don’t it?

SEASON PREMIERE The Burn With Jeff Ross, 10:30 p.m., Comedy Comedians back to take potshots and underperformers of the week. Like these TV listings, except these folks get paid.

WEDNESDAY

Stars in Danger: The High Dive, 8 p.m., Fox JWOWW, Bethany Hamilton, Alexandra Paul, Kim and Kyle Richards, David Chokachi, Terrell Owens and Antonio Sabato Jr. jump off the high boards to further put quotes on “stars” and “in danger.”

People’s Choice Awards 2013, 9 p.m., CBS When fans have to pick awards in which Adam Levine leads nominations (with six), nobody’s really a winner.

SEASON PREMIERE Barter Kings, 10 p.m., AE We don’t know exactly how these things are connected, but somehow snakes in a food truck are involved. Pass.

SERIES PREMIERE 60 Minutes Sports. 10 p.m., Showtime Armen Keteyian, Steve Kroft, Lara Logan and Scott Pelley do the 60 Minutes thing about sports, but decide CBS isn’t the place to be if they want anyone to, you know, watch the show.

THURSDAY

The 18th Annual Critics’ Choice Movie Awards, 8 p.m., CW The Broadcast Film Critics Association pick the best movies of 2012, which rarely have anything to do with the top-grossing films of the year. But as we know, people really care about what critics have to say.

30 Rock, 8 p.m., NBC Jack Donaghy returns to Florida with Liz in tow to settle his mother’s estate. The HOA will not be pleased about how long her lawn has been left uncut.

SEASON PREMIERE The Millionaire Matchmaker, 9 p.m., Bravo Patti Stanger continues to be brusque, loud, dismissive and irritating, yet is mystified as to why she can’t find her own husband. Fancy that.

SERIES PREMIERE 1600 Penn, 9:30 p.m., NBC Bill Pullman is in the president again, but instead of fighting aliens, he’s fighting viewers’ urge to change the channel.

SEASON PREMIERE Kathy, 10 p.m., Bravo Kathy Griffin returns to her talk show, no doubt to discuss why on earth she was simulating oral sex on Anderson Cooper on New Year’s Eve.

SERIES PREMIERE Double Divas, 10 p.m., Lifetime How, exactly, do you become a lingerie designer? And how much help, really, does a woman need choosing lingerie? These and other piercing insights are offered tonight.

FRIDAY

A New Age of Exploration: National Geographic at 125@, 8 p.m., NatGeo An anniversary special looking back at the organization that taught us what the word quasquicentennial means.

SERIES PREMIERE Banshee, 10 p.m., Cinemax It’s like Amish Mafia, but fake. They get all Rumspringa Gone Wild up in here.

Merlin, 10 p.m., SyFy Merlin and Arthur attempt to free the slaves under Morgana’s castle, with the help of a spirit Morgana is seeking. That’ll be quite the happy hour mixer when those two meet.

— Joshua Gillin jgillin@tampabay.com

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Real Housewives of Miami: Speaking the Spanglish

Real Housewives of Miami
“Reunion, Part 1″
December 27, 2012

ONLY UNA CHICA SPEAKS THE SPANGLISH AROUND AQUI, ADRIANA.

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Ay, Dios, these reunion shows.

Andy Cohen reintroduces las mujeres, and tackily asks Lo Peor how mucho her earrings cost. (“Conservatively, $25 million.” And that, señoras and señores is why she is Lo Peor.) Also, fun fact: Adriana sang the theme song to the show — ¿you know, the uno with no palabras? Sí, that uno.

Andy Cohen begins la reunion with un montage of all of the season’s nakedness, of which there was MUCHO, and then flat-out asks las mujeres who among them have had plastic surgery. Todas las mujeres raise their hands, because por supesto. Lo Peor is the only una who tries to pretend that she hasn’t had mucho work, claiming that she had a neck lift after giving birth to her weirdly young son. Las otras are incredulous but only because her face is as tight as a stressed piece of Saran Wrap. Joanna admits her admirable chichis are enhanced; Lisa says that Dr. Chichi has worked on her chichis and gives her Botox, because all 29-year-olds need Botox, before informing us that Daysy looks increíble, and doesn’t want to be her maid anymore.

Un viewer asks Lisa how she felt about people calling her una “fembot,” and Lisa proudly (sigh) replies that she never once said she was a feminist: she loves it. Call her a blow-up sex muñeca all you want, totally cool. And somewhere Gloria Steinem senses a disturbance in La Force.

Andy Cohen tells Marysol that they receive mucho preguntas about La Bruja’s broken toad face, and Marysol explains that she remembers when she was a child, her madre had some eyelid work done that went terribly, terribly wrong. To say the muy least. Ana adds that La Bruja appears to have had some injectables done back before injectables were invented, and everyone clucks their tongues in sympathy. ¿Why won’t Dr. Chichi fix her broken cara? asks some viewer. Porque La Bruja is ten mil years old, explains Lisa, and there’s nada to be done, come on, ¿have you seen La Bruja’s cara? Dr. Chichi isn’t un miracle worker.

Andy Cohen introduces the next montage: Joanna + Romain =

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Andy Cohen notes that he heard that Joanna and Romain have since become re-broken-up, ¿es verdad? Sí, es verdad, Joanna confirms before going into some long, drawn-out boring explanation involving her madre and long conversations and fighting and Bimini and the otra mujer and long story short: Joanna simply could not get over her trust issues with him. ¡But! she thinks they will get back together. Again. ¡And! She doesn’t think anything actually happened with la otra mujer beyond an exchange of flirty emails.

Todas attempt, unsuccessfully, to stifle their laughter.

Lisa, for uno, thinks the whole thing is sospechoso, but before she can elaborate, Adriana begins shrieking about Joanna and Romain’s entire relationship being an elaborate publicity stunt, and something about the two of them making up before la reunion, I don’t even sé. Andy Cohen tries to make sense out of Adriana’s accusations, while Joanna screams that Adriana is una cold-hearted culebra, asking if Adriana is suggesting that Joanna is only with Romain so as to be on el show. Sí, Adriana answers, without Romain, Joanna is nadie. There is mucho screaming and wailing and Joanna shrieking that SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HIM and Adriana sneering about stories Joanna placed in Us Weekly and they both carry on this way for a while until KarenT reminds todas that Joanna was the only famosa person on the cast before filming began, so. ¡AY, SÍ, KEEP ON MARRÓN-NOSING JOANNA! Adriana yells at KarenT. ¡JUST KEEP LICKING HER CULO, COMO UNA PUPPY!

Andy Cohen and un otra viewer ask Joanna about el sex pregunta: ¿if Romain isn’t having el sex with Joanna, doesn’t she suppose he’s having el sex with someone? Joanna dismisses this by saying that Romain simply isn’t a muy sexual persona, porque you know what they say about French men and how mucho they dislike el sex. Adriana points out that Romain has hotter mujeres dancing naked in his club day and noche, and that Joanna thinks she has the only gato in Miami. (Even Andy Cohen thinks this is pretty funny.)

Andy Cohen tries to move on with Joanna and ask her about Marta, only to have Adriana begin screaming about that, and how Joanna claims that she is “for las animales, but she skins her sister of her opinions and words.” ¡Ay! Adriana continues railing against Joanna and her bullying, because apparently they don’t have a word for “irony” in Portuguese. Ana interrupts to scold Adriana for throwing the word “bully” around when there are actual victims of real bullying out there, who aren’t a bunch of overprivileged, overplasticined women suffering from delusions of fame. And todas of the other women nod in agreement, and say, “exactamente, I too was bullied,” and I go pour myself another glass of vino de caja.

Andy Cohen moves on to our next Montage: Rodolfo. Oh, Rodolfo.

KarenT STILL isn’t willing to say, “and then he cheated on me,” instead choosing to talk around how her padre was ill, and she didn’t have time to talk to him about his Sanchita and that her priority was her familia. Ana interjects Rodolfo was never good enough for KarenT, and that he was simply a Mexican Slade Wannabe, which might mean something to me if I watched Real Housewives of Orange County, pero I don’t, so. Andy asks Ana about Rodolfo pursuing her, and Ana claims that she doesn’t even know Rodolfo — which makes her decision to talk merde about him somewhat interesante — but KarenT dismisses Ana’s insistence that she did not text him back with an exaggerated eyeroll, because come on, mami. KarenT then burbles on meaninglessly about not taking her amigas advice to dump the pinche who was cheating on her because follow her corazón or something equally tonto, who even knows, and blah blah blah, she defends herself with her sonrisa and her giant teeth de caballo.

Lo Peor announces that she, for una, thinks it was ¡shocking! ¡simply shocking! how mucho pleasure las otras mujeres took in humiliating KarenT. Which, cualquier, Lo Peor. ¡However! Somewhere between the end of filming and la reunion, something went down between Lo Peor and Ana, and Ana jumps in to yell at Lo Peor for blowing sunshine up KarenT’s culo, before informing KarenT that Lo Peor had been speaking ill of KarenT from dia una. ¡THIS IS NOT VERDAD! yells Lo Peor, who admits that, Sí, KarenT’s yakking got on her nerves at first, but that she went to KarenT sometime later, admitted that she might have said a few nasty things about her before, but it’s all cool now. KarenT agrees that there are no hard feelings and that, in fact, she respects Lo Peor for it.

Tell me, Ana asks KarenT ¿What flavor is the Lo Peor Kool-Aid? ¿Maybe grape with a splash of Geritol? (OH SNAP, ANA. YOU ARE LA REINA. Too bad you couldn’t have been this great while the cameras were rolling all season.) Lo Peor spits back that Ana is just mean and irrelevant, to which Ana responds that Lo Peor isn’t even relevant in her own casa, which I’m not sure what that means, but I’ll roll with it because it sounds pretty good. Lo Peor responds that Ana couldn’t even get divorced from a man who had been clavando an otra mujer for years, and that Ana should go back to closing real estate deals for U.S. Century Bank. ¿Ooh? ¿Burn? ¿I guess?

Andy Cohen moves on to Lo Peor and her lo peorness, what with the back-handed comments and the instigating and the snideness. And, granted, Lo Peor has been on much better behavior this season — KarenT has made her look positively pleasant in comparison — but the montage does remind us just how terrible Lo Peor can be. (¡Pretty terrible!) Lo Peor shrugs it off: She says what comes to mind, and sometimes there’s some verdad to it. So what, who cares.

Lisa admits that she was offended by Lo Peor at first; Lo Peor clearly thought she was an airhead, and was demeaning towards her. But then Lisa understood Lo Peor’s “sense of humor,” and came to understand that she was really una good persona. Ana rolls her ojos as she sees that someone else has been partaking of the Geritol Kool-Aid, and sasses that Lo Peor is pathetic, with her whole “¡I’m la mayor of Miami!” nonsense. Ana goes on to complain that Lo Peor acts as though she’s self-made but that she used to sell cold cream out of the back of a Pinto in Waco, Texas. This revelation, which is simultaneously kinda interesting and completely irrelevant (if she did go from hawking cold cream out of the back of a Pinto, then good for her, it sounds like she did work pretty hard back in the day) appears to take Lo Peor completely by sorpresa, and she stands up to do … something … only to have Ana dismissively tell her to sit back down, she doesn’t want her to break a hip. AND THAT, LO PEOR, IS UNA BURN.

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Andy Cohen moves on to Lo Peor and Marysol’s conflito, and after la montage, Andy Cohen points out that most viewers felt that Marysol did nothing to defend herself against Lo Peor. Marysol points out that Lo Peor never said nada to her face, so how was she supposed to know that there was something to defend against? Lo Peor says something about this not being her recollection of events, and Marysol is indignant: ¡There were 15 episodes of Lo Peor bashing Marysol and her business! Lo Peor makes some noises about Marysol needing to acknowledge what she had done wrong, and Marysol squeals that she has no idea what Lo Peor is talking about, and this repeats itself for a while until Andy Cohen interrupts to remind Marysol about Lo Peor joking about Philippe marrying her for a verde card.  ¡OH THAT’S RIGHT! Marysol remembers, as Ana steps in to point out that Lo Peor’s “chiste” wasn’t funny this season and it wasn’t funny last season and that maybe she needs to get some new material.

Lo Peor snips that the difference between herself and las otras mujeres is that she didn’t build her life around the camera, she built the camera into her life, before going on to complain some more about the rojo carpet that Marysol ruined forever and ever and ever. ¡I CAN NOT RELIVE THIS ROJO CARPET ONE MORE TIME! Ana yells for all of us. Ana goes on to explain that her biggest problema with Lo Peor is that she used her influence and power to go after Marysol and her business. Lo Peor responds that if it weren’t for Ana, she and Marysol would be best amigas again, to which Ana calls Lo Peor a fraud and a false mentor to young chicas. ¡HOW RUDE! cry some of las otras mujeres (because presumably they didn’t see this episode wherein Lo Peor tells her mentees that everything bad that happens in their lives is their fault).

Andy Cohen turns his attention to Adriana, and why she never says anything negative about Lo Peor, and Adriana explains (again) that Lo Peor was there for her during a dark moment in her life, and that she’ll always be loyal as a result. Even if Lo Peor is horrible sometimes.

Ana, however, is not having it, and explains that she is here to strip the varnish off of Lo Peor: she is an old lady from Texas who had a lot of help from hombres to get where she is today, unlike Ana whose immigrant parents put her through college and law school, and who went on to have an (unsuccessful) 23-year marriage and two hijas, neither of whom are socially awkward (OUCH). ¿How’d Lo Peor get here? Because she’s not self-made; she did all her best work on her back.

And let’s just sit here for un momento and let that one sink in.

…

¡¿?!

Andy Cohen asks Marysol if he thinks that she and Lo Peor will ever be amigas again, and Marysol becomes muy philosophical about the limitless nature of time and space and the universe and the short answer is no.

I am not even going to talk about the whole “She beat me to la tweet” thing, because it’s just a shameless product plug, y no.

Andy Cohen introduces the “Joanna has a drinking problema” montage, and then asks Joanna if she has a drinking problema: Nope. Adriana points out that Joanna’s madre, hermana and novio all think she’s evil when she drinks, and you know the saying: In vino veritas. And you’re evil when you’re sober, spits Joanna. Which helpfully sets up Andy Cohen’s next montage: “Look how evil Adriana is.”

Andy Cohen notes that many viewers were upset by Adriana’s comment that Joanna and Marta were just a couple of Polish immigrants trying to get a plate of comida. Adriana claims that she extends her apologies to the Polish gente and sort of to Joanna, but notes that Joanna has made racist remarks about how Adriana needs to return to the “slums of Rio” and she never apologized for that. Joanna replies that she was merely repeating something Romain said, and since he lived in Brazil for un momento, it can’t be racist. I’m not cierto that’s how that works. The claims of racism fly back and forth for a while until Adriana notes that there are hard-working single madres in the slums of Brazil who get up every dia to work, and don’t just open their legs to make money, which: ¡!

Joanna accuses Adriana of stalking her on twitter, something about heaven and el inferno, the cara de the devil, I don’t even sé, before Andy Cohen moves on to the Lingerie Fiesta and all of its assaulty goodness. Adriana notes that Joanna had said earlier that she was going to kick someone’s culo that noche, which sets Joanna off, insisting that Adriana vete a la chingada, before declaring that the fight was Adriana’s uno big press moment.

Andy Cohen then confronts Adriana’s claim that she didn’t hit Joanna — a claim that is clearly negated by the footage, and Adriana defends her mentira by trying to claim that she was chased down. This may be the case, but it doesn’t mean that Adriana didn’t hit Joanna, so. Joanna begins shrieking that Adriana called her una puta and a wannabe, to which Adriana takes offense that Joanna said she spoke Spanglish. (¿WHAT’S WRONG CON SPANGLISH, GRINGA?) Well, listen up, “HO-ANNA,” Adriana responds. ¿Qué? That’s just Spanglish, like “Juan” and “Jose.” Same difference. Joanna, who happens to be rather litigation-happy, warns Adriana that she’s going to get served, to which Adriana asks where Joanna’s line of hombres are waiting — and Adriana doesn’t mean clients. (En realidad, Adriana, I think you do. ¿Or was the word you were looking for “Juans?”)

¡More reunion buenoness soon! ¡This tiempo with más La Bruja!

The Real Housewives of Miami se transmite a las 8 pm del jueves en Bravo.

Therese is also watching Fringe, American Horror Story, Saturday Night Live and OH DIOS MIO, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills now, too.

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