I’m here for the right reasons! To write this "Bachelor" blog!

“My shirt? Yeah, I bet you’d like to know where I got it from! Hold on, lemme go ask my mom.”

Courtesy of ABC.com

 

Whereas week one on The
Bachelor is all about the girls, meeting them for the first time, and
bestowing nicknames upon them like I am my very own sorority’s den mother, week
two is about the bachelor, in this case Sean, and his quest for love. More
specifically, this week gives details into not only what he is looking for in a
woman, but even more important, what is looking for in a woman, looks-wise.
Take away the abs (and I’d argue that they already were), and Sean comes
across, at least according to his darkened- silhouette title card (did they not
know who was going to be the Bachelor until the last minute, and then just
stuck with the “your body and face here” teaser), as either a true man of
mystery, or as another in the long line of bland Bachelors (everyone knows the
women bring the fun, and the craziness). But even I’ll admit that I was “really
hoping [Sean] makes it happen,” or at least retains his humanity until the end
of the season, holding out hope that he doesn’t become a complete tool too
quickly. After kissing at least half of the women last night, it might be too
late, but, with even with the slimmest possibility, there is always hope (I’m
an optimist, never giving up, always thinking that everything is possible), and
in this case, his chance to avoid d’baggery comes in the form of The Fugitive.

It’s a well-known fact that every single first date of every
single season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette results in that woman/man
making at least to the final four (okay, that might not be either “well-known”
or a “fact” but whatever, this is a blog about The Bachelor!), and with this season’s first date going to The
Fugitive, things are looking great for one of my favorite contestants ever on
the show. Now yes, I don’t think that she appeared in any of the “coming up on
this season of The Bachelor” scenes
last week, but with every single other girl being so interchangeable, I think it’s
a bit easier to tease any of those girls than
a girl with one arm! But before we even get to the date, let’s examine the
sociological reasons behind Sean picking The Fugitive (for all of my sociology
friends, though I’ll admit, I don’t know if this has anything to do with
sociology, or really what you do after getting a degree in sociology). I
believe that there’s three equal reasons that he asked The Fugitive out first,
each broken down into equal thirds: 1.) Sean wanted to show that he has no
preference in woman-type; 2.) pity (sad as it is to say it, but it’s true);
and, 3.) because she is smoking hot, looking like Deborah Harry at her
smokingest. I’m pretty sure that everyone watching The Bachelor (which, other than me, is only women, so they’re
thinking opposite sex) has thought, since seeing The Fugitive, “could I date
someone with one arm. Because looks don’t matter. Right?” Okay, we’ve already
put it out there that The Fugitive is hot, but the cool thing about this season
of The Bachelor, and maybe the top
reason Sean did ask her out first is because, in real life, most people
probably wouldn’t go hit on someone with one arm, no matter how hot they were.
Sorry, but it’s a fact. But Sean has nothing to lose (as he still has a line of
18 girls standing directly behind The Fugitive, looking quite petty compared to
her) by throwing a date her way, and seeing if their personalities are a match
without risking anything. Like they say, looks don’t matter, and in a way, they
especially don’t this season, as Sean can easily put aside the possible
awkwardness to learn about what makes The Fugitive tick. And that’s cool. And
that’s sociology. Right? Knowledge… Dropped…

So anyway, now that we got that out of the way (I gotta
throw my blog producer a bone every once and a while, to make it look like a
write something of substance (HA!)), let’s get to the date: a helicopter ride
to a 300-foot freefall down the side of a building to an awaiting champagne
toast. Thus combining all the things I love best in life: (clichéd) helicopter
rides (on The Bachelor), fear factor
dates and champagne. Oh yeah, and harnesses. Everyone
knows how I love a good harness. I myself was harnessed up just a few weeks
ago, running through the mall’s ropes course. I’m pretty sure that the girl putting
my harness on cinched it extra tight, giving me some pretty great “harness
bulge.” And “harness butt.” Unfortunately, unlike Sean and The Fugitive, I didn’t
get to wear a little helmet, but I did take some pics of how good I looked. And
then actually posted them. But yes, Sean and The Fugitive did, in the words of
The Fugitive “take the plunge” (drink!), with her acting a little damsel in
distress though, at the same time, you could tell she was totally “let’s do
this.” Now, in my mind I can’t remember who was screaming like a little girl (I’m
thinking it was Sean) and who was laughing (I’m betting The Fugitive), but
post- 10 second ride (so sad, Sean, so sad… think about baseball, or old people
eating sandwiches, or something), The Fugitive relayed a pretty touching story
of her being denied ziplining and how that made her feel (and no one who be
denied ziplining, photographic proof or not). Now, at that point it’s not like
I already had enough tears in my eyes, but then Sean let her know, that if she
was his, he would make sure that she never felt those feelings again, telling
her that “I’m a man, and as a man, I should protect you.” Damn, even now that
gets me. The Fugitive went on to say that she was really looking for a man who
was spontaneous and adventurous, imagining a life full of amazing adventures,
and, well, spontaneity (my vocabulary is limited!). Sean, who had heard enough
from The Fugitive to turn him into a giddy high-schooler (he obviously has a
crush on The Fugitive, which is so cool), then got his first kiss of the
season.

Unfortunately, it was not the only one of the episode, but
time is a’ticking! And so it is in this blog, as I gotta get it up by 3:00pm,
so let’s get right to the night’s group date, which took too many girls to
count to a “castle” where their “Prince Charming” was waiting. For the group
date, the woman were broken up in four subgroups (main heading: catty,
conniving fame-whores): “cowgirl,” “vampire,” “sexy,” and “historical.” The women all took to these “personas” for a chance to
appear as a cover model, with Sean, for a set of real Harlequin novels (which
hopefully won’t contain the byline “Written by Kevin M. Kawa). I think, at some
point, Sean actually said “I’m gonna love this because I don’t even need to
wear a shirt.” Or maybe that was just me, projecting what I would say if I was
thrust into that situation. But I wrote it down in my notes, so I’m attributing
it to Sean! The Intern (new nickname for the girl from Washington, who is not
an intern, but whatever) cowgirled-up, showing some great chemistry with Sean,
but ultimately it was the date’s only real “model,” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, who
won the prize, Harlequin novel-glory (though not the rose), by leaving all the
other girls slack-jawed with her expertise in front of the camera. You know,
because that’s her job. Following in the footsteps of Carol Vessey/Elizabeth
Banks Love Child, the first to say “I don’t belong here, so I’m packing my bags
and getting the heck outta here” (who ultimately proved that being on reality TV
trumps common sense every time, staying in the mansion,), Downward Dog (she of
the frizziest, most out-there hair I’ve seen since high school), at the pool
party following that photo shoot (that had neither a pool, or bikinis, or
bikini-clad chicken fights, so it was, by my definition definitely not a pool
party) became the season’s first self-evictor, telling Sean that she feels “excessively
uncomfortable” being surrounded by so many over-the-top personalities that
overshadow her. Which is odd, as with hair like that, I would imagine most
people who ever see her notice her when they’re like “what’s up with that girl’s
hair.” Sean, quickly doing the math in his head, and determining that he still
had a whole (hot) mess of girls to choose from, replied, “ok, then I’ll walk
you to the limo” (of self-inflicted shame). By date’s end The Notebook received
the Group Date Rose, for, in Sean’s words, “for having to do this twice,” and
in our words, “for having no common sense and not running far, far away from
every and all events that promise an appearance by Chris Harrison.”

The night’s final Date Card went to Such Great Heights (who,
going into this date, seems like a true wild card: she could go all crazy white
girl, or just be that sweet girl-next street down), which read “Love is
Priceless.” And Sean, thinking that his sense of humor is just as priceless,
set up to prank the wedding dress designer because he “wants a girl with a good
sense of humor,”because, “when we’re 80 and our looks have
faded, I want a girl with a personality.” So, Sean took her to an “art gallery”
where she was made to believe that she broke a $1.5 million dollar work of “art.”
To the feeling-bad of Sean, and the absolute glee of Chris Harrison, Such Great
Heights tried to sneak out after the piece fell, shattering on the floor, only
to be stopped by an actor playing a photographer, and the “artist,” who set
about belittling her into near-tears. White knight, well, yellow knight Sean
burst in, saving Such Great Heights, to the laughter of no one. Thankfully Sean
made up for this awkward first half of the date by making her a “home-cooked”
meal of Wegman’s marinated chicken, Uncle Ben’s microwave-in-the-bag rice, and
a floret of broccoli the size of a small child’s head. Most likely prepared by
master chef Chris Harrison. The disappointment of a non-pool party pool party
was quickly forgotten by me (And I’m sure by Sean) as Such Great Heights broke
out a pretty purple bikini and Sean rocked a Where’s Waldo pair of swimming
trunks. The two missed a couple of opportunities for that first kiss, but after
both admitting to how “easy and comfortable” everything was between them (a
sure sign of a connection between two people, and a reference to my favorite
Taylor Swift song), the two kissed, with Sean saying that “our chemistry is
undeniable.” And we all sighed, realizing that we now have our front-runner.

Now I would say that nothing much happened during the night’s
Cocktail Party, but I’m really just saying that because I’m already approaching
four pages on this blog, and I just want it to be over! But, well, what else do
I have to do? So let’s trudge onward. The season’s first “she’s not here for
the right reasons” was uttered during the Cocktail Party, to describe Two-Face (newly
nicknamed), a true two-face, who basically sat in a catatonic state, not
talking to anyone even when someone spoke to her directly, and then did a
complete 180 when in Sean’s presence, smiling, laughing, and making great
conversation. I guess she just didn’t want to use up all her good vibes with
the ladies in the house! Court Appointed Contestant asked lily-white,
blonde-haired blue-eyed Sean directly what his physical type of woman was,
answering that he has no type (mine, physically: between 5’1″-5’2″, lots of
hair, looks great in a pair of jeans, beautiful smile, eyes full of
life), running through the list of women that he has dated. Not
racist, and gets around! Score! By Cocktail Party’s end, Two-Face was drinking
something from a giant mug, which was just odd (hey, I’ve judged people for
much less!). With Downward Dog already shown the appropriate yoga-related
terminology to “the door,” Sean found himself having to boot only two
contestants, choosing to say adieu to Single Mom (This Season’s Version) and
one of the nicknameless girls (thankfully). Next week’s episode promises
Brown-haired Britney Spears down for the count after slipping/getting pushed
down the stairs (stairs that have already claimed 50 Shades of Stupidity, with
Sean carefully navigating them pre-Rose Ceremony). Is it Monday night yet?

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Jennifer steals the style show as Halle the biggest fashion victim

THERE were plenty of ladies in red at the Golden Globes last night.

But nudes and whites also featured heavily on stars such as Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Megan Fox and Jennifer Lopez.

Silver Linings Playbook actress Jennifer Lawrence (22) stole the show in a coral organza gown. The Hunger Games star emphasised her slim waist with a metallic belt in the Dior haute couture gown.

Also choosing Dior was Oscar-winning actress Marion Cotillard (37) who went for an orange velvet bustier dress with a silver belt as she made her way up the red carpet.

New Girl star Zooey Deschanel (32) hit the right note in a brick red strapless Oscar de la Renta gown.

And Homeland star Claire Danes (33) showed off her enviable post-baby figure in a scarlet halter dress by Versace.

burgundy

The Impossible actress Naomi Watts (44) wore a long-sleeve, open-back gown by Zac Posen in a deep burgundy colour.

Jessica Alba (31) was glowing in a peach Oscar de la Renta gown. The mum-of-two completed her look with a dramatic diamond necklace and a ruffled clutch.

It appears that a lot of actresses are following Angelina Jolie’s infamous leg-bombing pose at last year’s Oscars.

Heidi Klum (39) showed off her toned legs in a skintight Elie Saab gown with embellished neckline. Glee star Lea Michele (26) also sizzled in a sequinned white gown with a thigh high slash.

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria’s (37) gothic Emilio Pucci dress was a fashion fail. The petite star showed off too much flesh in this backless, frontless lace gown with a thigh high slit.

Model turned actress Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (25) also showed off her toned limbs. Her black dress featured a leather belt, high neck line and daring split.

But it was Victoria Secret’s model Miranda Kerr who flashed the most flesh. The lingerie model committed a cardinal sin — showing off too much leg and cleavage in her dangerously revealing plum dress.

Surprisingly, the biggest fashion victim of the night was Halle Berry (46).

The star’s one-shouldered patterned Versace dress lacked the class and restraint needed for a red carpet look.

hnews@herald.ie

- Kirsty Blake Knox

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