Australia Day weekend: a chance to catch up on sex

THIS weekend isn’t only a chance to indulge in flag-waving and ockerisms, to get out the scones or the lamingtons, or to put an extra six-pack in the fridge. It is also a chance to try a bit of lingerie-waving and eroticism, retrieve scented massage oil and pop a bit of French in the cooler.

I’m talking about the dirty weekend, not just the long weekend – a chance for stressed, overworked and erotically deprived people everywhere to catch up on the national average of sex 106 times a year.

Right now you’re doing the figure work, right? Don’t fret. If you have children under five, you can probably halve that number. Toddlers and steamy sex don’t really mix and, if anyone has found out a way to, I’d like to know. Personally I think children of this age are an excellent contraceptive – their schedules, not their personalities – and have been underemployed as a family planning device.

Maybe for this reason the traditional dirty weekend is taken away from home, somewhere away from children, the cleaning, the cooking and the DIY. Not many blokes can feel particularly erotic when they’re looking at the painting/bathroom/ceiling that has to be done, and nor can their partner. Somewhere with a view and a comfortable bed and lovely linen and a chance to dine out is nice, with a few bells and whistles, and maybe some pretty solid communal walls. That said, preferably somewhere that isn’t ball-breakingly expensive is better – the thought of how much it’s adding to your credit card bill can make any sexual urges go limp.

Once you have all of that organised, the secret is to hope for the best, although not necessarily a replay of the 1980s B-grade smash 9 ½ Weeks. I did say catch up on the national average, not set a record.

Last time I embarked on a small sojourn with Mr Big, he was so exhausted from a long stint of parenting that the position I mostly saw him in was foetal. Yes, I think he slept about 50% of the time through our two-day getaway, emerging only to yawn and stretch and scratch his man parts before plunging headlong into the duvet again. Surprisingly, I took this stoically. However, when he suggested we have another run at it in the interest of RR versus patriotism – he does own a drawer-load of wife-beaters, but none featuring the Australian flag – I was, understandably, less keen. I mean, we could sleep at home, and it wouldn’t cost $500.

Nevertheless, any objections have been overcome and, as you read this, we will be among the great wave of wired and tired adults travelling north or south in search of rest, relaxation, new surrounds and a little steamy sex. I have faith that three out of four of these objectives may be achieved.

So what should you take on your dirty weekend? A book is always good, in case you don’t feel like working your way through the Kama Sutra for the entire weekend. Or maybe take a book on the Kama Sutra, and study up in between. Sex toys can add a bit of spice.

When choosing a venue, consider whether you want somewhere self-contained where you see no one – it’s been a long time between drinks – or whether you are happy to have long conversations with your host, or share the bathroom with other guests in a cosy BB. You may also like to take your own linen, says Mr Big, who feels uncomfortable about leaving the bed sheets with what he calls “the language of love freshly written all over them”. Me, not so much. I fell asleep in a fancy hotel with a packet of Maltesers.

Other extras: a good attitude, a mobile phone with a reliable provider so you don’t worry about what the kids or pets are doing at other peoples’ homes, contraceptives (you’ve left the toddler, remember), and perhaps some painkillers for the inevitable hangover or sprained muscle.

All packed? Good luck then. If all else fails, there’s always the six-pack, the lamingtons and the national anthem.

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Murdoch’s Sun Covered Up Page 3 Topless Women

(Corrects first and second paragraphs of story published
on Jan. 20 to show the Sun hasn’t permanently removed topless
women from page 3. The Sun published a topless woman again on
Jan. 22 under the heading “clarifications and corrections,”
without commenting on its future policy.)

Readers of Britain’s best-selling tabloid,
The Sun, found women clad in bikinis instead of the topless
models who have featured on page 3 since 1970.

Rupert Murdoch tweeted in September that the feature was
old-fashioned. A “No More Page 3” campaign has won support on
social media in recent years, garnering almost 220,000
signatures in favor of scrapping the controversial images.

The newspaper continues to show women clad in lingerie and
bikinis on the page, while topless pictures are still available
on its website.

“Page 3 is really beyond its use-by date,” said David
Banks, a former editor at The Sun whose job as night editor was
choosing the woman for the next day’s newspaper. “It’s
inevitable its time has come.”

Murdoch’s News U.K. operation, a division of News Corp. (NWSA:US)
that owns The Sun and The Times of London newspapers, did not
respond to queries about the decision.

The Sun is Britain’s No. 1 newspaper with a daily
circulation of 1.89 million at the end of December, according to
the U.K.’s Audit Bureau of Circulations. While the paper is best
known for Page 3 and covering celebrity sex scandals, it has
been polishing its image recently to appeal more to families.

Double Standards

The “No More Page 3” Facebook site, a campaign started by
writer Lucy-Anne Holmes to “Take the Bare Boobs Out of The
Sun,” was filled with congratulatory messages today and notes
on TV appearances to discuss the move.

“It wasn’t about Page 3 being offensive but about the
impact on our society of judging men and women by different
standards,” Stella Creasy, a lawmaker for Walthamstow in
London, said in a BBC Radio 4 interview today. “It was saying
to all of us that what mattered was our breasts not our
brains.”

Page 3 first drew opposition in the 1980s, when lawmaker
Clare Short introduced a bill in Parliament to kill the feature.
In recent years British universities including Oxford and the
London School of Economics canceled subscriptions. The Murdoch-owned Irish Sun dropped its version of Page 3 a year and a half
ago.

Banks said the end of the topless version of the Page 3
girl is only a partial victory, given the continuing appearance
of barely dressed women on the page and the topless pictures on
Page3.com. “We’re still going to be titillated, though I admire
The Sun for beginning this progress toward not producing soft
porn.”

To contact the reporter on this story:
Kristen Schweizer in London at
kschweizer1@bloomberg.net

To contact the editors responsible for this story:
Kenneth Wong at
kwong11@bloomberg.net
Emma Ross-Thomas

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