Survey says lefties do it better

You may not want us operating a chainsaw, or even a butter knife, but a new study shows we lefties are handy in the bedroom.

A study conducted by Lelo, a global company that sells lingerie and the kind of toys you will NOT find at FAO Schwarz, recently found that 86 percent of left-handed people report being “extremely satisfied” with their sex lives. We remain, however, extremely dissatisfied with the world’s dearth of left-handed scissors.

As my nine loyal readers know, I have detailed lefties’ plight before. My people have been whacked on the knuckles by intolerant, ruler-wielding Catholic school nuns. We’ve searched in vain for left-handed golf clubs and guns. And we spent our college careers sitting one-cheeked while writing exams from lecture hall seats with desks placed on the right side.

Right is right and left is wrong, we are taught from the first time the Little League coaches try to switch us to the other side of the plate. Until now. Suddenly, the left is in the right. Lelo’s sex survey showed only 15 percent of right-handers report extreme satisfaction. Righties are getting left out of the fun.

Nobody’s saying Lelo is the New England Journal of Medicine. We’re talking about a company that sells suede whips and his-and-hers handcuffs. Also, the timing is highly suspicious. The news flash reporting that righties are frustrated in bed just happened to coincide with Lelo rolling out a new device designed to help righties feel the sensations that leave lefties feeling groovy. Shaped like a stress ball — an appropriate choice for a pent-up target audience – it’s held in the left hand and, when squeezed, sends vibrations up the arm, stimulating the right side of the brain. We right-brainers are known for excelling in the arts – we brought you Leonardo da Vinci, Jimi Hendrix and Mozart – but now the secret is out about our other set of skills.

A whopping 10,000 people took the survey, with 71 percent more lefties saying they leave the house in the morning whistling a happy tune. Meanwhile, righties grind their teeth to the Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”

Lelo’s survey results beg a question – and judging from some of the company’s signature line of blindfolds and silk restraining ties, these people know something about begging – why are lefties so good at what they do? Perhaps it’s because we have to find creative ways to live in world dominated by righties: Just try operating a can opener left-handed. Or a chain saw. But be sure to notify your next of kin first.

The survey results bring welcome news to a long-oppressed minority group. Victims of a vast right-wing conspiracy, we have been persecuted for eons. In primitive societies it was considered evil to be left-handed, and babies’ left hands were tied down to ensure right-handedness. In ancient times military leaders forced soldiers to put their swords and spears in their right hands so that their shields would interlock. This forced left-handed men to fight right-handed, and inordinate numbers of lefties were killed. In ancient Japan, if the bride was found to be left-handed, it was grounds for divorce.

Even our language discriminates against lefties. We speak of a “left-handed compliment” as one that is less than gracious. A bad dancer has “two left feet.” Unwanted food is “leftovers.”

Meanwhile, the language glorifies righties. When things are going well, all is “right” with the world. Our nation is governed by a Bill of Rights. Ladies look for “Mr. Right.”

Or at least they did, until this survey came out. Perhaps now women looking for happiness will start looking for Mr. Left.

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Jennette McCurdy Leaked Pictures 2014: Jennette McCurdy Leaked `Naked …

Jennette McCurdy Leaked Pictures 2014: Jennette McCurdy, iCarly star’s leaked “naked” selfies hit the internet last month erupting in a viral feeding media feeding frenzy. The Jennette McCurdy lingerie shots put her show “Sam Cat,” a show spun off from Nickelodeon’s “iCarly,” on hiatus.

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When Jennette McCurdy was absent from the Kids’ Choice Awards and her comedy went on hiatus unexpectedly, the media assumed it was because of the hot shots, but then came rumors that McCurdy was in a pay battle.

Then Jennette McCurdy got super busy lately. She recorded with her ‘Sam Cat” costar Ariana Grande, she recorded on her own, she made cryptic Twitter messages about how she was unhappy with Nickelodeon was treating her. She was under a different magnifying glass. Today, Jennette McCurdy dyes her hair brown, surely that a sign she’s moving on from Sam Cat’s hiatus and the sexy selfie leak, or did she just want to change hair?

In spite of speculation that racy photos of Sam Cat star Jennette McCurdy were behind the hiatus of the show, a network rep says that the two are unrelated.

Jennette McCurdy and Ariana Grande’s Sam and Cat is one of Nickelodeon’s top shows. It tells the stories of Sam Puckett (played by Jennette McCurdy) and Cat Valentine (played by Ariana Grande), roommates who run a babysitting service. The two characters were taken from previous Nick shows, iCarly and Victorious.

Jennette McCurdy didn’t show up for at The Kids Choice Awards while Ariana Grande, who has been flying high with a solo music career, nabbed the Kids’ Choice Award for Favorite TV Actress, while “Sam Cat” picked up the award for Favorite TV Show. Immediately there rumors that Grande and McCurdy  were involved in a feud.

Jennette McCurdy was livid after someone leaked sexy lingerie selfies on the Internet on March 3, at first blaming her boyfriend, 20-year-old Detroit Pistons center Andre Drummond. Andre Drummond says he had nothing to do with the Jennette McCurdy lingerie shots. It came out that the anger was over salary parity. McCurdy tweeted  that her issue with was with Nickelodeon and it came out that she’s not paid nearly as much as her co-star Ariana Grande.

Ariana Grande responded on Twitter saying “I hate addressing rumors and I hate gossip but this is really bothering me. Jennette and I agreed upfront that we would be treated equally on this show in all regards (as we should be, considering we each work just as hard as the other on this show). The rumors circulating about our contracts and our salary not being equal are absolutely ridiculous and false. I don’t know who’s putting these idiotic quotes out there but I thought I’d straighten it out and try to end this nonsense.”

McCurdy recently revealed that she did not want to continue playing the role of Sam Puckett after iCarly ended. She said “I did not want to play Sam anymore–I was over it. I’m sarcastic and blunt enough in real life that I wanted to do something different.”

SiriusXM radio personality Cristina Palumbo says McCurdy’s naked selfies could help her on her way, “Every star that has done this has been handsomely rewarded in the long run as far as fame is concerned. It can’t hurt her. I don’t think anything can hurt you nowadays.”

 

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