Theater review: ‘We Will Rock You’ might not

At the inevitable end of “We Will Rock You” on Tuesday, when the Des Moines Civic Center audience was gamely waving their arms back and forth, I started to wonder if at least one of the songs was written specifically for the show.

“I’ve paid my dues / time after time. / I’ve done my sentence / but committed no crime.”

But if we really are the champions, it turns out we do have time for losers — specifically 2 hours and 15 minutes, seven times this week. This touring jukebox of Queen hits makes Abba’s “Mamma Mia!” look like Masterpiece Theatre.

Yes, the music is good, but not nearly good enough to make up for the cartoonish acting and the inane script, which creator Ben Elton seems to have written by shredding a karaoke catalog and gluing the scraps willy-nilly into a notebook. Some of the conversations borrow almost entirely from song lyrics, which may sound like a good idea but isn’t.

“I like big butts and I cannot lie.”

“Really? Do ya think I’m sexy?”

“Well, I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig ahh!”

Somehow these exchanges are supposed to tell a tale set in the future, where a sinister corporate overlord called Globalsoft has outlawed all forms of music except bland bubblegum pop. But wouldn’t you know it? Two young rebels named Galileo (Brian Justin Crum) and Scaramouche (Ruby Lewis) fall in with a group of Bohemians who draw inspiration from mysterious artifacts they discover in an ancient Hard Rock Café.

(See? “Mamma Mia!” is starting to look pretty smart.)

Both Crum and Lewis have solid gold sets of pipes, which they rev up for big dance numbers like “Somebody to Love” and “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” The skinny, strung-out Bohemian leader (Ryan Knowles) has a great voice, too — the sort of souped-up bass you hear from hard-rock radio DJs – but a little of his antics goes a long way.

I also liked one of the villain’s (Jacqueline Arnold) takes on “Fat-Bottomed Girls,” but don’t ask me how it fits into the story or why all of her back-up dancers were wearing kinky, French maid lingerie and waving pink feather dusters. Or why, for that matter, none of them fit the song’s title.

And that’s the thing: Nothing about the show fit. Viewers who wanted a rock concert were likely frustrated by all the chatter in between each song. Those who wanted an actual story, on the other hand, had to wait through all 24 wedged-in songs.

The giddy septuagenarian sitting next to me would probably tell you otherwise, as would many of the others who stood in Tuesday’s almost full house for two (deliberately orchestrated) standing ovations. They clapped to the beat and laughed whenever an actor shouted a joke about something or someone they recognized. Britney Spears! Gangnam Style! Twerking!

But really, this show should have been an optional add-on to the Broadway series rather than one of the main five, like the noisy Green Day vehicle “American Idiot,” which visited for just two days in January. Both noisy shows try to stick it to the Man, which is hard to do in a slickly produced musical. In fact, the audience waving its arms in unison Tuesday looked a lot like the consumers the show’s fictional overlords had brainwashed.

Am I overthinking this one? Probably. But underthinking it would be hard to do.

Share and Enjoy

How Elle Macpherson beat muffin top, moods and ageing

Elle Macpherson is telling an audience of women at Selfridges, London, what it feels like to struggle with a muffin top, fatigue and finding herself so irritable she shouted at the kids.

The big difference between Macpherson and the rest of us who accept being sleep-starved and stroppy is that, in true celebrity style, she countered her slump two years ago by creating her own sellable solution, an “alkalising greens” food supplement.

“I just wasn’t feeling my super-self and I’d lost the spark which keeps you feeling energised and motivated,” she said at the launch of her Super Elixir in the London store.

“My skin was dry, I was gaining weight around my waist, feeling moody and my joints ached.

“I put it down to ageing but then I thought, I don’t like that feeling it, whatever the cause, and knew things had to change. So I got help with nutrition, threw out the ton of tablets I’d been taking daily, and helped create this brilliant alkalising supplement instead.”

Without a hint of irony, she describes it as “my birthday present to women”.

Even so, the model, who turned 50 in March, still has to deal with ageing.

“Do I look back to how I looked in my 20s? Yeah, just like most women do and I think, ‘Wow, did I really look like that?’ At the time I didn’t realise I was that big a deal and wasn’t so confident, even though I pretended to be so cool.

“I feel better now than I’ve ever felt because I’m older, wiser and truly believe that being strong, inspired and capable is as important as our body shape.

“That’s why I truly didn’t have a problem with becoming 50, and I wanted to go into it with grace rather than fighting it. At this age, of course, you have to make more effort and being fit and being healthy from the inside is really important – if things are good on the inside, it shows on the outside.

“I just think women today want to look good at whatever age and realise it’s pointless chasing after youth.”

Her own youth was certainly charmed. She opted for modelling from the age of 17 rather than studying law and survived the demands of the often brutal fashion industry as well as high-octane, jet-setting and partying as her success grew through the 1980s.

“I have certainly gone through periods in my life where I haven’t treated myself kindly,” she says drily.

“I grew up young. I’ve done everything, I’m no angel and haven’t led a sheltered life. In a sense I’ve experienced everything, partying with Andy Warhol, going to New York’s Studio 54, and meeting Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

“I think I survived thanks to the values instilled in me as a child – a strong sense of family, commitment to what I love, self-discipline and a desire to methodically work through problems.”

She adorned the much-coveted cover of Sports Illustrated a record five times, and, in 1986, Time Magazine put her on its cover and dubbed her “The Body”.

“I thought, great moniker, brilliant for business – I’ll use that, thanks,” she says.

It’s the name of her hugely successful brand and her lingerie range, Elle Macpherson Intimates, is sold globally.

She’s also hosted – and been an executive producer for – fashion reality shows in America and is well recognised in the UK, which she’s made her home, as a judge on Britain Ireland’s Next Top Model.

She has two sons, Flynn, 17, and Cy, 10, from her nine-year relationship with financier Arpad Busson, and wed billionaire, Jeffrey Soffer, a father-of-three, in 2013. Although she was married in her 20s to a man two decades her senior, Gilles Bensimon, a former creative director of Elle magazine, she admits she never thought she would marry again.

“I’ve never put much importance on it, but then the love of my life asked me to marry him and I didn’t hesitate,” she says, as she talks of the romance that broke up a few years after they got together but was rekindled when he narrowly survived a helicopter crash in the Bahamas.

Her anti-ageing tip is drinking three litres of water a day, and staying active – she’s a keen skier and off-road cyclist.

“I don’t like the word exercise – it sounds like a punishment. I prefer to say activity. Just 45 minutes a day is good and it can just be a walk. It doesn’t have to be a gym session.”

- PAA

Share and Enjoy