Celebrating Broadway Abs, Onstage Kink and Male Lingerie: Tonys Awards We’d …

On June 10, a select group of theater professionals will get to take home Broadway’s biggest honor: a Tony Award. Although we’re eager to congratulate the Best Actors and Best Featured Actresses, Broadway.com’s editors feel it’s high time to bestow awards in some less-obvious categories! Below is our list of 25 fictional Tonys we would love to hand out at the Beacon Theater. Take a look, and see if you agree.

Best Drug Trip Not Caused by Actually Taking Drugs: Staring at the ’70s-inspired optical illusion sets of On a Clear Day You Can See Forever.

Best Reason Not to Waste Time Reading Fifty Shades of Grey: The incredibly kinky, yet intellectually stimulating Venus in Fur. (Runner-up: The leather and whip-heavy wardrobe of the temple denizens in Jesus Christ Superstar.)

Best High-Flying Moment Not From Spider-Man: Judy Kaye swinging from a chandelier while singing “Looking for a Boy” in Nice Work If You Can Get It.

Best Proof That It’s Never Too Late to Play an Ingenue: Patti LuPone’s emotional turn as Julie in a condensed version of Carousel from An Evening with Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin.

Here! Just Take a Trophy for Taking Your Shirt Off Award: Richard Fleeshman in Ghost.

Here! Just Take a Trophy and Put Your Shirt Back On Award: John Lithgow in The Columnist.

Most Misleading Title Award: Basketball drama Magic/Bird, which did not include any enchanted winged creatures.

Best Performance by a Spider-Man not in Spider-Man: Andrew Garfield in Death of a Salesman.

Best Argument for the Use of Male Lingerie: The inventive mermaid bras sported by the Peter and the Starcatcher cast during the act two opener “Mermaid Out of Me.”

If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It Award: Just four months after ending the Harry Potter film series, Alan Rickman once again hilariously played an intimidating, dry and stern Snape-like teacher in Seminar.

Best Super-Buff, Well-Nourished Teen Orphans From the 19th Century: The cast of Newsies.

Set Piece You’d Most Like for Your Own Apartment: The massive, yet sleek fireplace in the Wyeth family living room of Other Desert Cities.

Set Piece You’d Never Want In Your Own Apartment: The giant falling baby in Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark.

Best Musical Trend: The delightful pre-show concerts at Once and One Man, Two Guvnors. Bonus points to Once for serving drinks on stage, too!

Best Tactic to Make Broadway Good Girls Go Bad: Send her back to the Prohibition days and hand her a gun. Case in point: Laura Osnes (Bonnie Clyde) and Kelli O’Hara (Nice Work If You Can Get It).

Best Joke We’re Constantly Telling Friends and Pretending is Our Own: The tampon joke from Clybourne Park.

Best Dental Work for the Biblical Age: Hunter Parrish’s pearly white grin in Godspell.

Best Case for Non-Traditional Marriages: Woody Allen’s bizarre and somewhat true to life “father ends up with daughter-in-law” ending of Honeymoon Suite from Relatively Speaking.

Worst Case for Traditional Marriages: The epic “Loveland” numbers of Follies as Danny Burstein, Bernadette Peters, Jan Maxwell and Ron Raines sing about their crumbling relationships.

Good Sport Award: Liz Mikel for slipping into a skin-tight onesie every night in Lysistrata Jones‘ brothel scene.

Award for Most Hours Spent in a Yoga Studio: Tracie Bennett for her mind-blowingly flexible dance moves in End of the Rainbow.

Give ‘em a Hand (Literally!) Award: Christian Borle‘s dismemberment gag in Peter and the Starcatcher. (Runner-Up: Tom Edden‘s tremor induced clumsy waiter skills in One Man, Two Guvnors.) 

Happiest Revolutionary Award: The always-smiley Ricky Martin in Evita.

Show Up on Stage and People Will Hand Over Their Life Savings to Score a Ticket Award: Hugh Jackman for his magnificently entertaining sell-out solo show Hugh Jackman, Back on Broadway

Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps Award: Jeremy Jordan for surviving fall flop Bonnie Clyde only to headline one of the season’s biggest hits (and score a Tony nomination) two months later in Newsies.

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Man needs bachelorette party primer

Dear Amy: I am a man who has just been invited to a bachelorette party. The bride-to-be is a close friend of mine from graduate school. We’ve known each other for several years.

I intend to attend this bachelorette party, but I have a couple of concerns. I’m not sure if I should ask the host if I can bring my boyfriend along. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than eight years, and he is a friend of the bride’s as well.

Though I’m sure she would love to see him, I’m not sure if these parties are usually not meant to include couples.

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I’m also not sure what to bring as a gift. My boss, who is female, told me that I cannot go wrong with lingerie, but I neither feel comfortable giving this gift nor do I know what women want in this area.

I, personally, prefer not to give gift certificates. Thank you for your help.

— Her Best Man

Dear Best Man: First of all, my condolences. I can think of no worse way to spend an evening than at a bachelorette party.

I’m sure there is a wide range in terms of what people plan for these parties, but generally they seem to involve lots of squealing and the wearing of novelty wigs, followed by vomiting in the shrubbery.

Bachelorette parties are for the bride-to-be and her friends alone (spouses, partners and boyfriends are not included). You could ask the bride-to-be (or her maid of honor, who might be organizing it) if your boyfriend is included — but you should assume not. If he is not invited, do not ask if you can bring him.

And you can go wrong with lingerie. So, so wrong.

If you can manage to overcome your aversion to gift certificates, a certificate to your friend’s favorite spa would be a thoughtful and appropriate gift. Otherwise, a bottle of nice champagne that she can share with her fiance (along with a DVD of the movie”Bridesmaids”) would be welcome.

Dear Amy: My daughter recently told me that two of her female cousins (they have different parents) cut themselves when they get upset. She has seen the cuts.

If it were my daughter who was cutting herself, I would want to know, but I am not sure how their parents will feel if I mention it. I don’t want these cousins to feel they can no longer confide in my daughter and have them lose their friendship.

What is the best way to tell them, and is it my business to do so?

— Worried

Dear Worried: I shared your letter with Wendy Lader, a psychologist and president of S.A.F.E. Alternatives (selfinjury.com). She and I agree that you should start this process by reaching out to your nieces.

Part of what you are demonstrating here is that this is serious and that your daughter is worried and did the right thing by speaking with you.

Talk to them in a nonconfrontational way. Are they stressed by something going on at home or school?

Cutting is a form of self-injury that kids will sometimes try as a way to relieve anxiety or stress. Cutting can escalate unless the person finds other ways to manage her stress and emotions. This behavior thrives in secrecy, and being open and calm about it can help.

Ask each girl what her concerns are about disclosing this to her parents, and offer to be there with her when she does. They should not be punished or policed — they should be listened to.

Counseling with a therapist who has expertise in working with teens will help. Selfinjury.com has helpful information and suggestions for how to disclose this — and what to do next.

Dear Amy: I hate to point out the obvious (not really), but your answer to “Uncertain” left out an important point.

Uncertain’s daughter wanted to get married, and these parents wondered if they should continue to pay for their daughter’s living expenses (she was in graduate school) after the marriage. The obvious answer is that if this couple can’t afford to pay their expenses, they shouldn’t get married. Marriage is for grown-ups.

— A Fan

Dear Fan: You’re right. This is the obvious answer. Thank you.

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