Bromley column: Survey says lefties do it better
April 16, 2014 by admin
Filed under Lingerie Events
You may not want us operating a chainsaw, or even a butter knife, but a new study shows we lefties are handy in the bedroom.
A study conducted by Lelo, a global company that sells lingerie and the kind of toys you will NOT find at FAO Schwarz, recently found that 86 percent of left-handed people report being “extremely satisfied” with their sex lives. We remain, however, extremely dissatisfied with the world’s dearth of left-handed scissors.
As my nine loyal readers know, I have detailed lefties’ plight before. My people have been whacked on the knuckles by intolerant, ruler-wielding Catholic school nuns. We’ve searched in vain for left-handed golf clubs and guns. And we spent our college careers sitting one-cheeked while writing exams from lecture hall seats with desks placed on the right side.
Right is right and left is wrong, we are taught from the first time the Little League coaches try to switch us to the other side of the plate. Until now. Suddenly, the left is in the right. Lelo’s sex survey showed only 15 percent of right-handers report extreme satisfaction. Righties are getting left out of the fun.
Nobody’s saying Lelo is the New England Journal of Medicine. We’re talking about a company that sells suede whips and his-and-hers handcuffs. Also, the timing is highly suspicious. The news flash reporting that righties are frustrated in bed just happened to coincide with Lelo rolling out a new device designed to help righties feel the sensations that leave lefties feeling groovy. Shaped like a stress ball — an appropriate choice for a pent-up target audience – it’s held in the left hand and, when squeezed, sends vibrations up the arm, stimulating the right side of the brain. We right-brainers are known for excelling in the arts – we brought you Leonardo da Vinci, Jimi Hendrix and Mozart – but now the secret is out about our other set of skills.
A whopping 10,000 people took the survey, with 71 percent more lefties saying they leave the house in the morning whistling a happy tune. Meanwhile, righties grind their teeth to the Rolling Stones’ “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.”
Lelo’s survey results beg a question – and judging from some of the company’s signature line of blindfolds and silk restraining ties, these people know something about begging – why are lefties so good at what they do? Perhaps it’s because we have to find creative ways to live in world dominated by righties: Just try operating a can opener left-handed. Or a chain saw. But be sure to notify your next of kin first.
The survey results bring welcome news to a long-oppressed minority group. Victims of a vast right-wing conspiracy, we have been persecuted for eons. In primitive societies it was considered evil to be left-handed, and babies’ left hands were tied down to ensure right-handedness. In ancient times military leaders forced soldiers to put their swords and spears in their right hands so that their shields would interlock. This forced left-handed men to fight right-handed, and inordinate numbers of lefties were killed. In ancient Japan, if the bride was found to be left-handed, it was grounds for divorce.
Even our language discriminates against lefties. We speak of a “left-handed compliment” as one that is less than gracious. A bad dancer has “two left feet.” Unwanted food is “leftovers.”
Meanwhile, the language glorifies righties. When things are going well, all is “right” with the world. Our nation is governed by a Bill of Rights. Ladies look for “Mr. Right.”
Or at least they did, until this survey came out. Perhaps now women looking for happiness will start looking for Mr. Left.
