After Trick or Treat: How to Spice Up Mom and Dad’s Sex Life

On Halloween, let’s drop the excuses, parents and mothers.

“I’m tired.”

“I was out all day.”

“The kids might hear.”

You’ll be tired until you leave this earth. As a mom, that’s part and parcel of our job. But there is one thing that you should not be too tired to try, and that’s sex with your partner.

Sex is the sole factor that separates your marriage from the other relationships in your life.

Do you sleep with your friends? Your boss? Your neighbor?

Well, I should hope not!

Nurturing the sexual aspect of your marriage is important even if some nights you can’t muster up the energy to feel sexy. Taking time out to “water” and “feed” that bond will keep you happily married for life! (Hopefully: wink).

So when the trick-or-treating is over, the kids are passed out in a sugar coma, and you’re home looking at a huge pile of candy with your best mate, try these tricks to treat each other sexually. I’ve got a bunch of suggestions for the most sexually vanilla of moms and for the naughtier mommies out there.

Netflix and Popcorn Mom: Naked Movie Night

Can’t stand the idea of fancy lingerie and there’s no chance in H-E double hockey sticks that you would engage in role play or dirty talk? Stick to what you love: Netflix and some snacks! Except for this time you have to watch the movie naked and sit next to each other.

But the kids will come in, Laura.

That’s what a large blanket is for and some quick yoga pants off to the side in case of such matters. The nakedness makes it a little funny if you’re the type who’s uncomfortable in your own skin, but sitting next to each other in the buff should hopefully spark up those tingly feelings in your body. To add to the fun, no one gets a bite of Snickers, popcorn, or Starbursts unless the other person feeds him or her! Feeding each other can be very sexy.

Feeling awkward just imagining doing this? Trying something new is good for your sex life. And since according to the Kinsey Institute, 47.3 percent of married people ages 30-39 are having sex a few times a month to weekly, that’s a bunch of you who could use some new ideas for that monthly or weekly routine.

Horror Movie Sex Night

If you love Netflix but love horror movies even more and a scary movie always makes you run into the arms of your partner, this move is for you. Get in your lingerie — if you don’t have any, why not splurge on something cute at Victoria’s Secret — and watch the movie in your nicest apparel. Squeezing on and letting your breasts gently or not so gently crash into your love will make him feel manly and excited all at once!

Worship the Lady: Body-Image Boosting

Are you unhappy with your body image? Hiding behind a huge t-shirt during sexy time? Shed that tacky t-shirt and get a nice piece of lingerie for the occasion, even if it is a loosely fitted satin slip, and ask your partner to give you compliments about each part of your body. Your partner’s reward? A piece of candy for each compliment, but make sure the candy suits the compliment. Is it a lame compliment? Give him a lollipop. Something that makes you feel really good? Reward with a peanut butter cup.

In order to get into the action, he’ll have to “treat” your body to a massage and then oral sex — those are your treats. If he’s made you feel like a queen, return the favors to him. If he hasn’t, he better try harder and repeat, all over again.

The Kids Will Break In Any Minute

If no amount of candy can put your kids to bed, it’s time for a quickie. Except this time, try that quickie in a tight and dark location: shower, closet, hallway. Cobwebs optional.

Scary Sex: Only For Horror Fans

Do you love being scared? Let your partner scare you before the act to amp up your adrenaline! When the kids are asleep, plan a downstairs or around-the-house hunt, except your partner will be hunting for you and you’ll be the prey. Find a hiding spot, and let your partner make the great find in the dark. When he’s found you — he better cover your mouth before you scream so the kids don’t wake up — he can rip off your clothes, tie your arms back, gag you (if you’re into that), and have his merry way with you, rough style.

There’s no actual blood required in this thrilling sex act, but a bit of roughhousing is just what the doctor orders, Mommy! Be sure to wear cheap clothes!

Beg For Peanut Butter Cups

Is your man the type who likes to be dominated? Get on your best sexy witch or dominatrix costume (sexy costumes are not good for kids, but they’re perfect for moms at night) and make him beg for candy — and you. If you think he’s been particularly bad or a pain in the butt lately, make him sit in a time-out or the corner while you tease him.

A Princess All Year Round

• Getting tied to your bed: have your “knight” free you from the torture, except this time, he frees your clothes, too.
• Pretend to be Sleeping Beauty, but instead of having him awake you with a kiss on the lips . . . let your relaxed state get excited and “awake” by kisses in other places.

Trick-or-Treat Game (For Kinkier Parents)

If one or both of you falls on the kinkier side, try this Halloween game for sexual play of the adult kind. Be sure to add some appropriate party drinks like this Sinister Cider Cocktail or a Black Lagoon Cocktail sure to frighten! The drinks will loosen you up if the candy and crisp Fall air didn’t already.

1. Divide the candy among you and your partner.
2. Take small strips of paper and write down sexual favors you want ranging from the mild to the wild, and then place with tape on your candies.
3. Take a plastic pumpkin or trick-or-treat bag, and place the candies in the bag. Take turns choosing your pieces and obliging with the request on the treat.
4. Most likely after the first four pieces of candy, the game will be over and you two will be enjoying your own little “game.”

Is your partner kinkier than you are or vice versa? Try watering down some of the requests by having your partner (or you to your partner) verbally “tell you” the act rather than actually doing it. Sometimes just hearing a fantasy aloud or hearing a partner say what you wish he or she would do is enough to tip your desires over the edge!

Never Enough Treats

If you two can’t get enough sweets for your sweet tooth, why not indulge in some flavored lube? That way you’re not adding any additional calories to those bellies of yours full of MM’s and Twizzlers, and you get to enjoy the best treat of all: each other! Adam Eve makes one in strawberry that your mommy taste buds might enjoy! And remember, a little flavor can make an act you don’t enjoy more fun. Just saying.

Romance Required

Have Dad bring home a bottle of Champagne for after the kids are asleep, and turn down the lights, add some candles (jack-o’-lanterns make for good mood lighting) and soft music, and let the atmosphere take over the two of you if you have to be romanced off those tired trick-or-treat feet!

It’s Halloween: kids have candy, but you two have each other, and guess what? Sex won’t rot your teeth or bloat you up. Have a little fun on this witch’s night, and if you two are really the ghoul-y types, why not get theatrical and act out some horror movie fare or hop into costumes and act out your fantasy. What dad wouldn’t love a Wonder Woman in his bed?

Enjoy!