‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: DELUSIONAL.

The Real Housewives of New York City
“Reunion, Part 1″
July 29, 2014

To be fair, they are all delusional in one way or another. Except for Her Sereness. (Bravo)

I know how late I am with these reunion recaps. I KNOW. And I have a whole litany of excuses: summer vacations … and … well, one excuse, as it turns out. But I’m going be straight-up honest with you: I hate recapping reunion shows. Don’t get me wrong: I love watching reunion shows, but LORD, do I hate recapping them. Not to get all sexist up in here, but for my recapping process I tend to divide shows into two categories: male shows and female shows. The malest of all male shows, for instance, is 24, which I also happen to recap. What makes it male is not Jack Bauer’s aggressive masculinity and tendency to use his fists to settle all situations, but the fact that the show can literally go for 10 minutes without ANYONE SAYING A SINGLE WORD. Recapping 24 is often me just writing a bunch of paragraphs like this:

Jack is running through the alley, running through the alley, running through the alley when the bad terrorists begin shooting at him. Shooting shooting shooting shooting, and then Jack climbs up to the roof of the building, ties himself to a cable and swings into the terrorists’ sniper nest through the open window. Once inside, Jack Bauer throat punches everyone, uses lamp wires on their nipples to torture them a little and then throws all the terrorists out the same window he just swung in through. And then Jack Bauer finds the nuclear codes and everyone is saved, the end.

That is like an entire segment of television between two commercial breaks! That could be a full 20 minutes of television right there!

In comparison, the Real Housewives shows are the most female shows in that all that they are is talking. These shows are pure conversation. Talking talking talking, yelling, and then more talking, maybe some crying about the talking. And I have to tell you, recapping conversations isn’t easy — especially because so many of the conflicts that brew on these shows stem from how one woman perceived what another woman said. It’s never just about what was said but instead, more importantly how it was said, which can be hard to convey in a blog. Now, take all that yapping and feelings and misunderstandings but have all of it take place at once and you just made yourselves a Real Housewives reunion special. And every single one leaves me feeling like this:

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And in conclusion, I’ve been deliberately putting this off. I apologize.

We begin the reunion with Andy Cohen greeting the ladies and asking Kristen about her new boobs, because that’s appropriate before asking if Sonja is going commando tonight because that is also just very appropriate.

Andy Cohen then begins the real questioning by pointing out that the ladies received a lot of criticism for their taglines this season, to which Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill gets up and does a spin to show off the ass she brags about in said tagline, to Aviva’s distinct disapproval.

A viewer points out that if Ramona didn’t want to be known as a big drinky drunk, maybe she shouldn’t use “Turtle Time” in her tag. Ramona begins by arguing that “Turtle Time” just means to have a good time, but immediately gives up that very thin pretense by adding who doesn’t like to have a glass of wine with their friends, LIGHTEN UP, LADY. And, honestly, who wouldn’t need a little Turtle Time dealing with these ladies, so quit judging, Viewer.

As for Kristen, a viewer notes that her “not the sharpest tool in the shed” tag makes Viewer cringe, as it does for anyone with a shred of self-respect, but Kristen just keeps insisting that it’s a private joke between Her Awful Husband and herself, as if that somehow makes it better. It does not make it better! In fact, it makes it much, much worse!

Andy Cohen turns his attentions back to Ramona and asks if Fabio really did pursue her, and she insists that he ignored all the other girls at the gym to flirt with her, which sure, OK, go have another glass of Pinot Ramona, Ramona. Andy Cohen then makes his first attempt to broach The Mario Question, but Ramona just fixes him with her crazy eyes and declares that “EVERYONE IS GOOD IN THE FAMILY,” which is not an answer to the question that Andy Cohen asked. Andy Cohen promises to return to that particular topic later, and oh, he will, Ramona, rest assured that he will.

Andy Cohen extends a mazel to Aviva on UnSexy Grandpa and Cody’s engagement. She informs us that as of the taping of the reunion, the pair had not married yet. However, you’ll be happy — or, more likely, completely ambivalent, maybe grossed out — to learn that Aviva officially now has a 25-year-old stepmother, not that Aviva was there to see it happen.

Andy Cohen notes that Heather is good at everything, which, no, she is not, but I’ll just go along with this lie that she’s a good singer if it gets us through this reunion faster.

As for The Countess, who is still not officially a cast member, a viewer asks her about the other ladies calling her “LuMan” which is undeniably hilarious. Sonja explains that the nickname just makes sense: The Countess is a big girl with a deep voice and wears a lot of headdresses… because Sonja confuses drag queens with 1950s cartoons about Native Americans? The Countess graciously notes that she loves drag queens too much to be offended. But then Ramona confesses that she thought The Countess was a drag queen when she first met her, which means that not 10 minutes in, we have Ramona calling The Countess a man.

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The first montage is of Kristen’s journey this season, what with the terribleness that is Her Awful Husband and Ramona pelting her with wine glasses and her being an unemployed old model. And because no one has anything to say to Kristen about Kristen, because YAWN, a viewer asks Kristen about the time Aviva told Kristen to STFU in front of their children. So, really, it’s an Aviva question that has been redirected to Kristen to justify her presence on the couch tonight. ANYWAY, Kristen says she was “shocked” but Aviva brushes the whole thing off: Kristen kept confronting her, what was she supposed to do, not scream a bunch of expletives at her in a room full of toddlers? Also, too, kids have heard that word before, GET OVER YOURSELVES. Aviva is just terrific.

Andy Cohen asks Princess Carole and Kristen how long they’ve known Brandi and Yoyawnda, and they’re like, “a really long time, that’s how long.” Cool story, everyone!

Andy Cohen turns his attentions to Heather and Kristen’s fight in Montana. Heather explains that Kristen just had a lot of tension from planning the trip, and then all the other women were pretty terrible to her during the trip (which they really, really were), and Kristen knew that Heather was a safe place to release all of that frustration. Aviva compliments Heather on how she handled the situation, but Heather is like, “SAVE IT, LADY.”

A viewer points out to Ramona that she screamed “assault” when UnSexy Grandpa grabbed her arm last season, but that she THREW A GLASS in Kristen’s face, and DREW BLOOD, before trying to hit her with an oar. Ramona justifies this by claiming that she merely “tossed liquid in liquid on liquid,” and anyway, the glass was plastic, and also, too, Ramona never intended to hit Kristen, so she shouldn’t be held responsible for having hit Kristen, because that is how it works.

A viewer asks The Countess, a former nurse, how bad Kristen’s lip was, really, and The Countess says that while it was a pretty good slash, it didn’t need stitches, so I think we can all put the Wine Glass Incident to bed already.

Another viewer asks Ramona why, after being treated so terribly by her father, she expects everyone else to forgive her for her bad behavior so quickly and easily, and Ramona ACTUALLY CONCEDES THAT THIS IS A VALID POINT.

Ramona adds that she herself forgives people very quickly — with the exception of Aviva, because, GAWD, Aviva — but maybe she shouldn’t expect everyone to be the same way. Sonja adds that Ramona is not judgey, that she welcomes you with open arms … “before clawing your eyes out,” finishes The Countess.

Andy Cohen then introduces a montage of everyone being INCREDIBLY INAPPROPRIATE. Blow job earrings and whatever horror show Heather promised Jonathan for their 10th anniversary and UnSexy Grandpa and his horrific promise about what he was going to do to Ramona’s corpse. SUCH INAPPROPRIATENESS.

Andy Cohen begins with the most innocuous point: Sonja’s facialist who dutifully repeated all of the gossip that Sonja instructed her to repeat. A viewer asks The Countess about her penchant for short French men, to which The Countess protests that peu petit ami français is 6’2″. Of course, that’s not who Viewer was asking about, Countess, but sure. The Countess goes on to complain to Sonja for not stopping the facialist from repeating things on camera. This of course presumes that Sonja didn’t arrange the entire scene, something I’m surprised The Countess doesn’t accuse her of.

A viewer asks Princess Carole if she thinks Sonja and Russ ever fooled around, and she insists that she doesn’t, but, you know whatever. But then Sonja goes and declares that Princess Carole and Russ had an open relationship, so, you know. Princess Carole disputes this, before adding that if Russ and Sonja did hook up, it does not say a thing about Princess Carole. Word.

Andy Cohen then directs his attention to Aviva, noting that viewers had a visceral reaction to what UnSexy Grandpa said to Ramona. Ramona begs Andy Cohen to not repeat it, and explains that she can never be around UnSexy Grandpa again — one of the few things everyone involved can certainly agree upon. Heather accuses UnSexy Grandpa of suggesting necrophilia, which Aviva ACTUALLY TRIES TO DEFEND !!!! by saying that people kiss dead people all the time. No. NO! No, ma’am.

The Countess asks Aviva if she’s ever admonished UnSexy Grandpa for his repulsive behavior, but Aviva protests that she can’t control what her father does. Which, fair enough! But then Heather points out, not incorrectly, that Aviva enables him by doing things like hosting his engagement party at the Museum of FREAKING SEX. Aviva shrugs that you can’t choose your parents, but The Countess fires back that you can choose where to take them. Point, Countess!

Andy Cohen asks Aviva about her feelings about having a 25-year-old stepmother, but Aviva waves the question away. Listen, if he’s happy, Godspeed. Speaking of inappropriately young paramours, Andy Cohen asks Sonja about her 8th grader boyfriend from the beginning of the season, and she tries, with a straight face, to claim that he had some gray hair at his temples and she thought he was older. This is a very believable story. Almost as believable as the one she tells about bonding with him on an “emotional” level when Andy Cohen asks her how 23-year-olds are in bed. As if he doesn’t know.

Andy Cohen then introduces a montage of Aviva using the phrase “word on the street” 18,000 times, before asking where Aviva receives her “word on the street” information. But Aviva would rather not reveal her sources, thank you, Andy Cohen.

Andy Cohen turns the conversation to The Asthma, and asks what would happen if someone who didn’t have asthma were to use a nebulizer (DIE, they would drop dead on the spot) and Aviva explains that it might make them a little jittery, thereby undermining her big dramatic puff on her inhaler. Andy Cohen then asks what her ex-rays proved, and Kristen replies “breast implants,” which Sonja adds that Harry the Ex paid for them. No doubt he did.

When asked by Andy Cohen, Aviva explains that she took all of her doctor’s business cards to pass out to the other women because she knew they questioned her condition. WELL, SHE IS SORRY, LADIES, THAT SHE ISN’T RUNNING OFF TO EGYPT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH AN EGYPTIAN, SHE JUST HAS ASTHMA.

The other women:

When Andy Cohen points out that Aviva could have just hung out at the lodge in Montana, Aviva protests that the altitude is JUST TOO DANGEROUS. Heather notes that her son has asthma, and that in warm weather, high altitude is actually recommended. Heather adds that she believes Aviva has asthma, just not GOING TO DIE asthma. To this, Aviva points out that Andy Cohen also has asthma, SO THERE. 

While Ramona hilariously takes a hit off of an inhaler, Aviva screams at Princess Carole that HER ASTHMA IS MORE SEVERE THAN JAX’S ASTHMA and that Princess Carole isn’t doing her research, SOME JOURNALIST SHE IS. The other ladies point out that the timing of Aviva’s asthma is suspicious, and write it off to her phobia of being away from Reid. Kristen explains that Aviva was super dramatic about the big reveal with the bag and the medicine and the doctor’s notes and that it seemed that she was being overly defensive about her supposed illness. YELLING YELLING YELLING, and The Countess points out that it is a classic story of crying wolf, but, that said, she has no doubt that Aviva was too ill with something (cough mental illness cough) to go to Montana. And then Sonja starts yelling that she wants to go to Dubai because she knows the royal family, you know, and they could get them in. Sure, of course, yes. Also, Very Relevant.

Andy Cohen’s last montage is the “Sonja Morgan: What a Nutter!” montage. Sonja explains that when Andy Cohen first asked her to be on the show, she turned it down, because she comes from a “discreet family.” She then notes that everyone else on the show have successful businesses or piles of alimony, but she was used to living off her investments. When she came on the show, it was difficult to have people see her financial turmoil: going from having tens of millions of dollars to having a 7 million dollar judgment against her. To have the entire world know that she had to sell her French house, THAT WAS VERY HARD FOR HER, ANDY COHEN.

Andy Cohen notes that Sonja has been quite free about her sexuality on the show, which is contrary to this notion that she is somehow a “discreet” person. Sonja insists that these are two separate parts of being Sonja: her lamp shade party no underpants personality is different from Mrs. Business Lady who bosses around 40 employees. Heather laughs that most of her “staff” are unpaid interns, but Sonja fires back that she has lawyers and people who run her houses, and also, too, she is a “lifestyle expert.”

Her Serene Highness asks why Sonja’s so-called businesses are never shown on the show, and Sonja explains that she rents out her houses, she buys and sells them, so there’s no thing to film. Andy Cohen then asks Sonja what she means by “lifestyle expert,” and Sonja replies, “buying and selling houses,” because she confuses flipping houses with being an “expert” on “lifestyles.” Yep, sounds about right.

Andy Cohen then asks Sonja about the other business: the yellow diamonds and the lingerie and the non-existent toaster ovens and the Nigerian football team … Sonja explains that she gets emails all the time from people who want her to do creams or jewelry or canned wine and she has to meditate and light her abundance candles and consider all the opportunities coming her way. OH, PLEASE, SONJA, MAKE A NIGERIAN FOOTBALL TEAM CANNED WINE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ~scurries off to light my own abundance candle~

Sonja insists that her $100,000 non-existent Chinese toaster oven deal is not necessarily going to pay the bills, and that’s why she has to take all of these things Very Seriously. Because she is a Very Serious Businesslady.

A viewer asks Sonja how she can justify expensive parties and caburlesque performances and vacations and dog funerals when she doesn’t have hot water running in her house. Sonja dismisses this with the explanation that her house and the plumbing is old, and the interns won’t die from a cold shower. NEXT QUESTION.

Andy Cohen asks Sonja about not taking Kristen’s Awful Husband branding advice, to which Sonja sniffs that people pay her $10 million for branding advice, which, is great news if it is true as it would certainly have made that $7 million judgment against her less of an issue. Sonja goes on to say that Kristen’s Awful Husband worked for Puff Daddy, but Puff Daddy parties on Sonja’s imaginary yacht. HOW MANY IMAGINARY YACHT PARTIES DOES AWFUL HUSBAND GO TO? HMMM?

Kristen finally has enough of Sonja’s nonsense and explains calmly that while Sonja is a wonderful, brilliant woman she is DELUUUUUSIONAL, and that Kristen is more than happy to say it to her face. Which she does. Aviva, storming to Sonja’s defense, wonders what makes Kristen’s Awful Husband an authority on branding, I mean aside from the fact that he is running a successful business and is a branding expert and doesn’t have a long trail of non-existent toaster ovens and canned wine in his wake.

Sonja calmly replies that every dream she has ever had as a little girl has come true, and now she is an inspiration for homeless LGBT children everywhere, so, bottom line, she doesn’t need a product to be a businesswoman. BOOM. TRUTH. GO AHEAD AND ARGUE WITH THAT.

Andy Cohen notes that viewers compare her to Grey Gardens, a comparison that Sonja insists is flattering. This is when The Countess jumps in and yells that Sonja is MENTALLY ILL. The Countess feels like Sonja has been sucked in by the show and changed by it, and claims that Sonja stopped communicating with The Countess until she signed back on for season 6. Ramona and Sonja write The Countess off as just being jealous that Sonja is an official cast member and The Countess is not; whereas The Countess claims that Sonja is the one who is jealous of her and all the “things” she has. LADIES, LADIES! You can both be jealous: Sonja can be jealous that The Countess has an bottomless pot of alimony to swim around in and The Countess can be jealous that Sonja is biologically a woman.

Finally, a viewer asks The Countess if she would say that Sonja doesn’t live in reality to her face, and The Countess is like, OH PLEASE, HAVEN’T I ALREADY? And then there’s some incoherent squabbling, who knows.

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ALRIGHT, OFF TO DO PART 2. SOMEONE GET ME A CAN OF WINE.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

Therese is also watching  24, America’s Got Talent, Bachelor in Paradise and The Real Housewives of New Jersey . None of these entries will ever be done on time, obviously, because I have asthma. I can show you my doctor’s note.

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