‘The Bachelor’ Season 19 Premiere Recap: Farmer Chris Meets His Women

Bachelor Host Chris Harrison Talks Season 19, Picks 5 Contestants to Watch Out For  

The Ripening of the Cropsnn

After Chris and his GoPro-mounted Harley arrive in LA and maneuver through all the “intimidating” traffic, we get our first shirtless visual during the suit fitting and fashion shoot with corn stalks and bales of hay. It’s not his favorite part, but we should all be so unlucky. Then it’s off to the mansion to prep for the limo arrivals. Unlike in years’ past, Chris will be living right next door to the women, and luckily for us, his new digs are complete with an outdoor shower. nn

He’s going to be himself, but part of him is questioning who really wants to date a farmer from Arlington? As per the usual, I will rate each of the first impressions in one of five ways: memorable-good, normal, memorable-bad, forgettable and memorable-disaster. nn

The champagne is flowing as the first limo pulls up, and lonely sexless waitress Britt is the first one out. They clutch each other in an epic hug that might have saved Jack’s life in Titanic, and he nicknames her “Beautiful Britt.” She gives him a slip of paper that reads “Free hug from Britt” and asks that he find her inside so that she can explain it. Not sure what’s to explain, but man, this chick loves her hugs! Grade: Memorable-good.nn

Baby-making nurse Whitney is next out, and she’s just as giggly as a schoolgirl. “I made it!” she exclaims before giving away a hug preemptively. Gotta whet his whistle with anticipation, Whitney! Like Britt did! Grade: Forgettable, but only because he’s definitely still thinking about Britt. At least she got a “wow” as she walked away. nn

Widowed Kelsey exits the limo, and she’s just a regular girl like he’s a regular guy. Grade: Regular/Forgettable. Though she also gets a “wow.” I hope that doesn’t turn into the equivalent of Andi’s emotional overuse of “y’all.”nn

Megan is a 24-year-old make-up artist from Nashville, and he dubs her “Blondie,” which likely won’t stick based on the number of blonds in the house. But we’ll see. They talk about things being crazy, nervous and fun. Grade: Normal. nn

Freelance journalist Ashley I., 26, has a tough time getting to Chris because her fancy dress is so long, but as far as brunettes go, I’m on board. She seems funny and cool as well. Grade: Memorable-good (for me); Normal (for Chris).nn

The Fun Continues with Limo No. 2nn

Trina is a 33-year-old special education teacher from San Clemente who offers a hearty “Hellooooooo Farmer Chris” as she exits the limo. Grade: Normal.nn

Reegan is a 28-year-old cadaver tissue saleswoman (you’d think that stuff would just sell itself) who approaches with a medical waste cooler. Nothing good happens with a medical waste cooler, unless they’re able to reattach whatever limb or appendage you accidentally severed, but she thinks her job is just super cool. And she wanted to bring something that comes from the heart, so she pretended to bring an actual heart. She’s quick to inform that it’s only a joke, but she never divulges what is actually inside. Grade: Memorable-bad.nn

Tara is a 26-year-old sport fishing enthusiast, which isn’t an actual job, who traded in the usual evening wear attire for cowboy boots and plaid. She didn’t dress up because “this is her,” but you gotta do better than that. If impressions were based on “reality,” every girl would show up to a first date in sweatpants. The other women stare and judge, calling her “Daisy Duke” and “Cowgirl,” then she nervously kicks things off with a Jameson on the rocks before going into hiding. This should be fun. Grade: Memorable-bad/Pending disaster.nn

Amber is a 29-year-old bartender from Chi-town who brought along her teddy bear for comfort and Nikki is a 26-year-old former NFL cheerleader from the Big Apple, but I can’t give either of them adequate grades because the focus is all about Tara changing into more formal attire and sneaking back out front for a second first-impression. While Nikki raves about recently returning from a trip to Peru, Tara hops in the limo before emerging in a black number that shows off her classy upper back tattoo. You can take the girl out of the country…nn

A Note from Limo No. 3nn

Uncertainty arrives with the third limo in the bunch, as the driver takes a letter from the backseat and presents it to Chris. It instructs him to turn around and close his eyes, and when he complies, lives-with-her-mom ballet instructor with crazy eyes Amanda hops out in her Aladdin-inspired dress. She claims he won America over with his secret admirer act, and she thought he deserved a secret admirer of his own. “Nice almost meeting you,” she says before scurrying inside for a performance of Arabian Nights. I hear they’re like Arabian days. I don’t think I need to note the irony of the self-proclaimed crazy girl honing in on one of the few aspects of last season I already mentioned in a negative light. Grade: Memorable-disaster.nn

Buff news producer Jillian is next, and it’s a good thing Chris has experience working with calves. She gropes his previously-shown-off gun and asks if he’s been working out. He has, you minx. Grade: Memorable-good, even though I didn’t like it.nn

Momma Mackenzie greets Chris with a reluctant hug and doesn’t mention her love for Kale. I feel like she is going to have baggage issues. Grade: Forgettable.nn

Brooklyn hairstylist Ashley S., who is 24 but looks much older yet acts much younger, appears lost as she exits the limo. Her eyes look like they were painted on by Margaret Keane. She found a lucky penny on the way in, and ever since she was little, she puts lucky pennies in her shoe. So she puts this one in Chris’ sole. Perhaps she is high on pixie dust. Grade: Memorable-bad.nn

Kaitlyn, 29, is a dance instructor from Vancouver, and I’m confused because I thought the show was called America’s Got Bachelor. She says she doesn’t know much about him other than he’s a farmer named Chris, but he can “plow the f*** out of [her] field any day.” She calls it a sense of humor. I call it awkward. And what’s up with the matching back-of-the-elbow dove tats? Grade: Memorable-disaster. 

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