‘RHOM’: Breaking Down the Drama from the Craziest Lingerie Party Ever

If you still weren’t sold that season 2 of The Real Housewives of Miami is any better than the flop of the first season, last night’s insane lingerie party must have changed your mind. Not since the days of Danielle Staub of The Real Housewives of New Jersey have we seen shenanigans like this. Let’s evaluate the fights from last night’s episode and try to make sense of it all.

Round 1: Joanna vs. Joe Francis

The first round happened in the first episode of this two-part lingerie party, but it’s important because it’s the first thing that started to get Joanna riled up. After Girls Gone Wild founder Joe went around telling the whole party that he’d slept with both Joanna and her sister, Marta, Joanna was immediately put on the defensive and dealt with that by a short but shrieky confrontation and a few cocktails.

Winner: Joanna. Joe was acting like a creep, and this point, even Lea Black, who brought Joe to the party, was willing to be on Joanna’s side. 

Round 2: Joanna and Karent vs. Marysol

After the staunch PETA activist and animal rights defender saw Marysol Patton arrive to the party wearing a fur stole that had been in her family for three generations, Joanna did what any sane person would have done and sent her friend (or as Marysol put it, the “carrier pigeon”) Karent Sierra to confront her. Marysol listened respectfully and then dismissed both Karent and Joanna, while Joanna continued to drink more and spew hateful and mean things about Marysol behind her back, including saying that Marysol was going to go to hell for wearing fur.

Winner: Marysol. Contrary to Joanna’s insane beliefs, wearing fur remains a personal decision, albeit a controversial one, and not punishable by death or hell fire.

Round 3: Elaine Lancaster (aka James) vs. Bo

So let’s call a spade a spade here and just say that Bo was acting like a little bitch, so Elaine pushed him in the pool.

Winner: Elaine. Duh.

Round 4: Lisa vs. The Party

After the splash from Bo’s little dip in the pool caused the DJ equipment to short circuit and the music and the party to come to a screeching halt, the hostess of the lingerie party, Lisa Hochstein, had a legit freak-out. She was screaming that there was no fighting allowed in her house and that everyone was ruining everything. But instead of actually throwing people out of her party (take a cue from Housewives before you act like Melissa Gorga throwing Kim G. out of a Christmas party or Kim Zolciak throwing her own mother out of her wedding), she just threw a temper tantrum. This would have been the perfect opportunity to have security escort some of the problems from the premises.

Winner: The Party. Maybe if Lisa had taken said opportunity, she wouldn’t have had to witness the next few rounds.

Round 5: Adriana vs. Karent

We all know that Adriana has a huge problem with Karent for being so nice and smiling too much (seriously), so she thought that this would be a good time to air her grievances. Think of the RHOC “Phony Intervention,” but on steroids. Karent listened calmly, while Adriana got more and more heated calling her out.

Winner: Karent. As Camille Grammer once said, the one who loses their cool is the one who loses the argument, and Adriana was definitely losing her cool. We should all try to live by the wise words of Queen Camille.

Round 6: Adriana vs. Joanna

While Adriana was busy yelling at Karent for being fake, Joanna stepped in to see if she could help her friend who she was afraid was being ganged up on because, well, she was. Adriana rudely told her to butt out, even though she was happy to have Alexia engage in her conversation with Karent at the last party, and also spouted off some rude nonsense about Joanna being just a Polish immigrant wannabe. That set Joanna off, who had been working hard making a career for herself as a model for the past 12 years, and was definitely one of the most famous of any cast member in her pre-Housewives role.

To Adriana’s credit, she did try to disengage from the situation, but Joanna felt the need to have her argument heard and she chased Adriana down the hallway. And then Adriana snapped. She turned around and punched Joanna in the face.

Winner: Neither. While it should never come to physically putting your hands on someone, it’s not hard to see why Adriana felt the urge to punch Joanna. She was chasing her so she felt attacked, and not to mention Joanna’s screaming drunken voice is really annoying. On the other hand, Adriana’s comments to Joanna, especially about being an immigrant since she herself is one, were really nasty and unnecessary.

So who won the episode overall? I’d have to say Lea Black, who amazingly somehow managed to be right in the center of most of the drama without actually having to be involved in it. Not to mention, she doubled her donation to Lisa’s breast cancer charity, which was what this whole mess was supposed to be about in the first place.

(Image and videos courtesy of Bravo)

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