Real Housewives of Miami: Girls gone loco

Real Housewives of Miami
“Bras and Brawls, Part 1″
October 25, 2012

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Dios mío. This is part uno of how many episodes, ¿dos? ¿I am assuming dos? ¿Y they aired the second part already? ¿Qué estás tratando de hacer para mí, Andy Cohen? ¿Make me loco? ¡Porque, mission accomplished! ¡Gracias!

Lisa, bless her pequeñita plastic heart, is hosting a “lingerie party” to raise money for the Susan G. Komen for the Cure foundation which raises money for breast cancer research. As Lisa puts it: “lingerie and breast cancer go mano-in-mano,” which actually makes it sound like lingerie causes breast cancer. But I understand her well-intentioned meaning because I am bilingual, I happen to be fluent in Trampese. And so, Lisa makes pobrecita Daysy sit through an interminable lingerie fashion show to help her choose which slutty outfit she should wear. Ay, I hope Dr. Mr. Lisa owns stock in Monistat. (¿Too gross? Tal vez.)

Lisa then calls Lo Peor to see if she will be attending the panty fiesta porque Lo Peor has not yet RSVP’d because Lo Peor is lo peor. Lo Peor has mucho bigger problemas to worry about like her own Peor Gala which will be held the night after ThongFest. Lo Peor makes a bunch of, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m awfully busy,” noises, and promises to make a donation in any event, because Lo Peor thinks it’s just adorable that Lisa is hosting her own pequeñita charity event. ¿So how many guests will be attending Lisa’s pequeñita panty fiesta? Lisa tells her she’s expecting somewhere around 800 pairs of thigh highs and stripper heels to be tromping around her house, and Lo Peor is clearly taken aback. Point: Lisa.

Porque Lo Peor wants to it be mucho clear that her Peor Gala is la solamente gala that matters. ¡Just look how busy she is, chiquitos! ¡She has so many phone calls, and lists, and seating arrangements to deal with! She is going to have somewhere around 650 guests to entertain, which, sure, is 150 fewer people than Lisa’s garter belt gala, ¿but who’s counting, correcto? ¡Lo Peor is muy importante! ¡LA MAS IMPORTANTE! ¡Do not forget it!

So, while Lo Peor storms around her gala office, terrorizing her not-paid-nearly-enough assistant, Alexia arrives, porque POR SUPUESTO ALEXIA ARRIVES, she’s not going to be denied screen time even if she isn’t technically a housewife this season, and what else does she have to do anyway, ¿run a magazine? HA HA HA, what a chiste. Joanna and Adrianna arrive soon after, and finally something interesante happens, when Alexia and Adriana immediately launch into an anti-KarenT rant, on account of her being so, so terrible. Joanna attempts to defend KarenT, ¡she’s (sorta) sweet! ¡she’s (kinda) not doing anything wrong! But then Adriana reveals that KarenT gave an interview to someone, ¿a blog? ¿newspaper? who knows/cares, in which she said todas de las otras mujeres were “classless fame addicts with Botox for brains,” which, ¡THAT IS NOT INACCURATE, KARENt! ¡PRETTY BUENO ONE, KARENt! KarenT then went on to say that she is on el show because she wanted to demonstrate that there are some inteligente and classy mujeres in Miami. Like her, por ejemplo. Joanna notes that she’s been in the business a lot longer than these mujeres, and she knows how the media can twist someone’s words, and Adriana hit on Romain, so obviously the benefit of the doubt goes to KarenT. Even though she’s a shameless social climber with un ax to grind.

Some time later, Marysol and Alexis meet for sangria and to talk about how KarenT is so, so terrible, because she is so, so terrible, plus they needed to remind us that Marysol is still on the show.

So then Joanna shows up at La Manse de Chichis for a PETA photoshoot that involves Joanna + una bikini + una merkin or tres. Joanna bores us with her political views: “¡Killing animals is gross! ¡And mean! ¡And once people see this wig shoved down my pants, they’ll stop eating fried chicken and wearing fur coats forever!” And then to prove just how much she loves animales, Joanna thrusts her bemerkined crotch in Lisa’s perro’s face. Ay, no. No, Joanna.

Lo Peor and her strangely young son, meanwhile, make “welcome home” signs and hang a balloon to greet Mr. Peor, Esq. as he returns from a trial he lost in Palm Beach. It is exactly as aburrido as it sounds. TIP TO LOS PRODUCERS: No one cares about Lo Peor’s home life. Lo Peor is only worth watching when she is interacting with other people: las otras mujeres, el público, young women in the foster care system who are about to be shoved out into the world… Do not bore us with Mr. Peor, Esq. and El Mini Peor, because we do not care.

KarenT and Joanna meet at some boutique to shop for sparkle dresses for the Peor Gala, and so that Joanna can report to KarenT all the terrible things Adriana and Alexia were saying about her at Lo Peor’s. Ay, it is nothing pero jealousy, dismisses KarenT. And that article that quoted KarenT was filled with mientras and twisted palabras. And, KarenT applies Botox in her office de dentist (¿En serio?), so when she said “Botox for brains,” it wasn’t an insult, it was the same thing as saying they had “fluoride for brains,” or “tooth whitener for brains.” ¡obviamente! Obviamente.

Adriana also has some shopping/smack talking to do, and to this end, she meets Ana and her hijas at a lingerie boutique to find something to wear to Lisa’s celebration of silicone and bikini waxes. Not that Ana will be going, as she doesn’t exactly feel like having all of her bits and pieces jiggling all over national television porque she is the smart one on the cast. ANYWAY, everyone is outraged by KarenT’s interview, Adriana tries on a semi-sacreligious nightgown, the end.

Mini-scene: Joanna thinks Kim Kardashian is a big jerk for wearing fur. Kim Kardashian doesn’t think about Joanna Krupa ever.

In other developments, Lisa has come to realize that Romain was correcto about Marta, and that she is una lazy layabout. ¡Cómo lazy!

The night of la panty fiesta is here, and so Marysol swings by La Bruja’s house on the way to find her madre drunk and half-pouting that she is not going. There is much talk about Marysol’s fur shrug, and how it belonged to La Bruja, and to Grand La Bruja before her, and therefore it is a familia heirloom and no one has any reason to get mad at her for wearing it, because FORESHADOWING. La Bruja then shows Marysol what she would have worn, had she been allowed to attend la panty fiesta, and it involves a wine nightgown, a fan and some pollo feathers stuck in her hair because La Bruja is Lo Mejor.

¡Finally, Fiesta de los Unmentionables! After some obligatory shots of el host and la hostess freaking out about the fiesta, guests begin arriving, including Joanna, Romain and KarenT (-Rodolfo). Lo Peor arrives soon after and if there had been any question whether or not she actually was lo peor, if there was ever any doubt that Lo Peor was still lo peor following the introduction of KarenT, Lo Peor cements the fact that she is LO PEORIEST OF LO PEORS by bringing as her guest Joe “Girls with Low Self Esteem” Francis. ¡JOE FRANCIS! ¡Sí, that Joe Francis!

Uno: ¿Who even knew Joe Francis still was?

Dos: ¿Who would think, “I’m going to a fiesta de push-up bras. ¿You know who would be the perfect escort? JOE FRANCIS. Because I can not see how that could possibly go wrong. ¡In fact, I bet it turns out to be a win-win for todos!”?

Tres: ¡JOE FRANCIS! ¿Seriamente, isn’t he in dirtbag jail somewhere? Last I heard, he was locked away in dirtbag jail for being such a dirtbag.

Anyway, Lo Peor and JOE FRANCIS and Not!Elaine Lancaster arrive at the booty shorts fiesta, which Lo Peor makes sure we know is not the same thing as hosting a black-tie sit-down dinner for fancy types even if it is more fun and sexy and benefitting a better cause, but WHATEVER. NOT AS IMPORTANTE AS THE PEOR GALA. JUST SO WE ARE ALL CLARO.

Joanna, who knows Joe Francis from her … past,  is surprised to see that he is Lo Peor’s escort as he is one of the biggest scumbags ever (true fact). But Joanna greets him warmly, asks about his marriage (which he explains ended after 3 weeks [¡¿WHAAAAAAAAAT?!]) and everyone is awkward and looking at their lucite heels or over each other’s shoulders because ¡TENSION!

However, Joe Francis is momentarily forgotten porque Marysol has arrived in her ¡fur de escándalo! which is simply is ¡QUÉ TOO MUCHO to even be in the same room as Joanna and her delicate sensibilities! ¡¿How dare Marysol wear fur near Joanna?! ¡¿Doesn’t Marysol understand that Joanna is a muy serioso PETA activist who wears merkins?! ¿What is Marysol thinking? To be fair, Joanna herself says none of this to Marysol, but instead, it is KarenT who has decided to take it upon herself to scold Marysol that she is being wholly inappropriate wearing the fur in Joanna’s presence, that it is important to respect one another’s beliefs (note: this does not apply if said belief is “it is fine to wear a fur that has been in a familia for tres generations.”) and that Marysol is clearly attempting to hurt Joanna intentionally. “¿I am?” responds a surprised Marysol who, up to this moment, had not given a single thought to Joanna Krupa or her feelings regarding her abuelita’s shrug.

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Marysol heads over to a befeathered Lo Peor looking for a pequeñito support, but is chased away by a cowardly Lo Peor who WILL NOT BE DRAGGED INTO THIS. Joe Francis, however, is happy to get involved and even though it has abolutamente nothing to do with anything, he explains that not only did he give Joanna her start in television, somehow, but that he dated both Joanna and her hermana. HA HA HA HA HA, he says in an approximation of a laugh. Wait, did you sleep with both of the Krupa hermanas? asks Marysol. Well, not at the same time, HA HA HA HA HA, he “laughs.”

At this point, Lisa emerges in her teddy made from rubber bands, and Lo Peor tells her she looks “hilarious,” because Lo Peor is always lo peor.

Meanwhile, KarenT scurries over to Joanna and informs her that Joe Francis is telling everyone that he slept with her and Marta, which in KarenT’s defense, sí, is a little tattle-telly, but I certainly would like to know if Joe Francis was going around telling people on national television that my hermana and I had slept with him. So I do not fault KarenT. This uno time.

Understandably, Joanna is not amused by one Joe Francis, Substandard Porn Lord, going around telling people that she and her sister slept with him, and insists that he stop it immediately. Joe Francis, however, shrugs and makes some “the truth shall set you free” noises because he is wretched. What is Joe Francis gonna do, ¿not declare on national television that he slept with Joanna Krupa and her sister? ¿Joe Francis is just going to keep that to himself when there are cameras around? Come on. You can’t be mad at a Joe Francis for being a Joe Francis.

And Joanna becomes angrier and angrier — but not quite Mynt-drunk-angry, which she deserves to be this once, just this one time — while everyone else just stands around doing nothing. Eventually, Lo Peor decides that since she brought him, she’s somewhat responsible for Joe Francis, and so she shoves Lisa, the sacrificial hussy, in his general direction while she goes and waves her peor hands in Joanna’s face in an attempt to ¿make her shut up? ¿calm her down? It is unclear.

Inside the Manse de Chichis, Lisa is frustrated as Joe Francis and Joanna are busy ruining her fiesta de v-strings, and Joe Francis, El Rey of Underage Boobie Shots, keeps screaming “¡TRUTH!,” something about which Joe Francis, I am sure, knows plenty. And then everyone agrees that KarenT is terrible, because she is.

Meanwhile outside, Marta joins her hermana Joanna by the pool, where Joanna tells her the dreadful way Joe Francis was besmirching Marta’s virtue, but not to worry, because Joanna defended her hermana’s good name. But then Marta begins laughing and laughing because OH NO MARTA SLEPT WITH JOE FRANCIS. FIRE UP THE SILKWOOD SHOWERS, AND BREAK OUT THE DELOUSING POWDERS, Y’ALL. IT’S GONNA BE A LONG NOCHE.

The Real Housewives of Miami se transmite a las 8 pm del jueves en Bravo.

Therese is also watching Fringe, American Horror Story and Saturday Night Live.

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